The Member in Question

Posted on August 9, 2003 in Crosstalk Sexuality

Crazy Tracy approached me via email regarding the question of penis size for her new blog Asylum. She reprinted the most boring part of my response, making me sound like a classic dull-witted purveyor of platitudes. I feel bound to defend my honor as a small time penis pundit and present you my full answer to her question How important is a big dick, anyway?:

I’d ask the women this question because they’re the consumers, we’re just the marketers.

As far as I am concerned, a penis needs to be long enough to reach
into the vagina. That offers a lot of variety.


I understand that in countries where men have notoriously small fifth
limbs, they have artificial penises to help compensate for the shortfall.
I don’t know how these would work, but I’ve sometimes wondered if they
present a greater risk of premature ejaculation due to the manipulations
that must be made to put them on.

The underlined section is what she printed.

Tracy’s take on the whole question — putting it in the lap of us men (OK, so that’s where it’s supposed to be — ha ha) — avoids the whole issue of women’s part in sexual selection. Let’s put it this way: if women universally desired large fifth members, all men would have large fifth members. That we see variety in the size of our organs indicates either that they don’t care about the size of the instrument or that we men have managed to keep a lot covered up until the last possible moment when it is impossible for the woman to say “no”.

There’s another possible explanation: penis size does not count among human beings because human women are interested in other things. Human beings and gorillas have some of the most bland male sexual apparatus of any species, including other primates such as the golden potto who has an organ that makes his love think of a Swiss Army knife when he whips it out. Evolutionary biologist Olivia Judson proposes the following explanation in Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation:

Among primates as among insects, it is a rule of thumb that in species where females consort with one male at a time, penises are small and uninteresting. I mean, take the gorilla — a huge guy with a little teeny weenie. A male gorilla can weigh 210 kilos (480 pounds, but his penis is a measly five centimeters (two inches) long and entirely devoid of knobs and spikes….But then, a male gorilla generally presides over a small group and does not often have to worry about other fellows’ sperm. If I were a girl gorilla, though, I’d feel I was missing out: as far as anyone can tell, the females of more promiscuous primates are more capable of orgasm.

Here’s a thought: most penis spam mail goes out to readers of porn sites. The notably promiscuous connoisseurs of this media cruise quite a bit. Perhaps the women do, too. If Judson’s take is correct, therefore, we can expect penis shape and size to matter. Men roving in that particular subculture, therefore, should be concerned about these questions. Perhaps, too, they should explore surgery to have interesting bumps, ripples, and knobs implanted, too. These flesh-based French ticklers might provide even more of a thrill than mere augmentation of the length of their John Thomases.