The Circus Begins

Posted on August 10, 2003 in Gray Davis Recall

One hundred fifty eight — yes folks, count ’em, 158 — clowns have signed up as candidates should California voters decide to recall Gray Davis.

I know you’ve been dying to hear my endorsement. Because of the sheer size and diversity of the field (a ballot which threatens to break voting machines and drive county registrars to nervous exhaustion all across the state), I feel that the only fair thing to do is to list my top ten picks from the rolls. And in keeping with the spirit of lunacy, I’ll list twelve candidates as my top ten picks. I thank the Los Angeles Times print edition for making available a list of the candidates as of yesterday.

In rough order, my picks (in increasing order of absurdity for this is an absurd race) are:

1. Cruz Bustamonte
2. Arianna Huffington
   
3. Audie Elizabeth Bock
   
4. Peter Miguel Camejo
   
5. Bruce Margolin
   
6. Christopher Sproul
   
7. Leo Gallagher
   
8. Larry Flynt
   
9. Gary Wayne Coleman
   
10. Mary Carey (she intends to disclose everything — porn star)
    
11. Mathilda Karel Spak (but will she live out her term at 100 years of age?)
    
12. Angelyne

My plan is this: if the recall looks likely, I will vote from the top. If it looks like it is going down to defeat, I will start at the bottom.

Best quotes from the Times candidate listing:

• Angelyne: “We’ve had Gray. We’ve had Brown. Now it’s time for some blond and pink”.
  
• Art Brown: “I absolutely have some genuine issues. I started for publicity, but now that I’m running, I kind of want to run. I want to stir up the pot. I’ll debate anyone at any time, and hopefully at least give the voters something to chew on.”
  
• Gary Wayne Coleman: “I am the least qualified man that might do the best job. If I were really running.”
  
• Lorraine Abner Zurd Fontanes: “My platform is basically common sense for California. It’s time we got together and stopped bickering.”
  
• Leo Gallagher (yes, the comedian): “Anybody can be meat and potatoes: I’m the spice in this election. We’re having fun with it. I’m not going to be elected.”
  
• Howard Allen Gershater: “If I’m supposed to run for office, please let there be some sign….At that very instant, this giant comet streaks across the sky and the comet is as bright as can be for five seconds…OK, thank you. I got the message.”
  
• Ivan Hall: “What I’m sick and tired of is the balony. Whether you get an actor with no experience or Gray Davis, with tons of experience, all we get is a bunch of hoopla.”
  
• Jim Hoffman: “I thought, ‘Why not?'”
  
• Eric J. Korevaar: “I felt strongly that this whole recall effort was wrong because it was basically paid for by very specific political purposes, rather than coming about because the government had done something wrong.”
  
• Gary Leonard: “I’m running because I can. This is history and I wanted to be a part of it. I’m serious about doing this, but I’m not serious about winning. I don’t think there will be another opportunity to do this and I just couldn’t pass it up.”
  
• Robert C. Mannheim: “When I first heard it would take 65 signatures and $3,500….I said, ‘Hey, it sounds like a lot of fun.'”
  
• Scott Mednick: “Since the circus had already begun, as marketers we thought it was a great opportunity at least to expose our brand name to people.”
  
• Bill Prady (television writer): “As a person who makes a living off of making mockery, I resent them intruding into my world.”
  
• Christopher Sproul: “I figured the more people on the ballot, the more ridiculous this whole thing will look. None of the candidates in the recall deserve to replace Governor Davis, who rightly won the last general election.”
  
• Tim Sylvester: “The recall is unfair. If it hadn’t been for Darrell Issa and his money, it wouldn’t have happened. I am absolutely not making a serious bid for governor. Just as Issa got out his checkbook to fund the recall, I got out mine to protest against it.”

Other observation: Most of the Democrats and Greens seem to be running to underscore the absurdity of the recall. Many Republicans — whose occupations range from actor to bounty hunter to bar owner — seem to have a Messianic complex. “I have a plan to save the State” they intone. “I am the Answer.”

I’d be up for an initiative which required that those who mount recalls foot the bill for the elections. This comes to about $35 for each person who signed the recall petition. Because they are the ones who are making us bear this cost, isn’t it fair that they assume it?