Talking to Burningbird: Getting in Fights

Posted on August 13, 2003 in Blogging Crosstalk

I’ve thought a lot about flame wars ever since I got my first taste of that oleander blossom honey back in the late eighties. As I turned from the abUSEnet to MUSH environments and then to the Web, I found the modes of attack changing, but the substance and the intentions behind them pretty much the same.

This was written in response to remarks made by Burningbird, one of the few people who seems to worry about her anger and what it might be doing to her. I enjoy reading Bb because she thinks and presents her take on things undefensively, aware of her imperfection. She says:

I have never successfully figured out when I should fight the good fight and when I should walk away. One time I’ll stay to fight to the bitter end, all dignity and umbrage, only to have others come up to me afterwards and ask me what was I thinking? Why the hell didn’t I just walk away? Why did I rise to the bait?

Other times I beat what I consider to be a dignified retreat from the battles only to be faced with scorn from those who see my walking away to be nothing more than throwing my hands up in the air, and giving up.

She goes on to mention a discussion she had earlier in the week about how to deal with abusive people. Nearly any sincere blogger has encountered at least one roach: sometimes they swarm — if someone told me that they sent email to each other to say “Hey, we’ve got a mark” I would believe it to be true. There’s no other explanation, other than an unreported link from another blog for the sudden appearance of a number of obnoxious commentators from a variety of ISPs — unless sock puppets and false identities are being used. My remarks here stem from personal experience. I don’t say that I have found complete clarity on the subject nor have I been an angel. But I give myself credit that I think about these things (as does Bb) and that I invite intelligent discussion about them.

What I said to Bb was this:

Regarding abusive people: the price we pay for fighting with abusive people is that after a while, we become like them. I don’t like the person I become when rebutting and refuting becomes my blogging life.

One book I read recently on the subject suggests that people who attack simply want positive attention. He suggested giving it to them in some manner — a touch on the hand, a friendly wave, a question about health.

I’ve been thinking about this in terms of the InterNet. It’s true that not everyone who comes to your site agrees with you and some views are patently absurd. What this writer suggests is that you don’t disagree with them, that you find a way to validate them.

In the context of blogging and talking about what we believe, I find this very hard. First, you cannot be sure of the sincerity of the person who attacks you. “Is this a real view or a troll?” you find yourself asking when a stranger descends throwing more punches than he has fists. Second, you cannot see the reactions of the crowd. As you pointed out, you’re in this battle on your own, every time — if you’re a thinker on these matters and do not run with a pack which takes its cues from a blurry manifesto or cult leader.

Battles tire us and I have adopted the practice of saying my say and getting out of there. Because I do not lead a cult, I have only myself to count on. If the dispute is on another site, I say my say, allow myself one rebuttal, and then leave. If it is on my site and the person won’t let me go, I site ban them.

Some say that this goes against my professed libertarianism. I respond by saying that among the things that liberty protects is the right of each of us to set her or his own boundaries. I am no government: I am a man.

Walking away is ultimately the best thing you can do in a fight. You have already shown what you know and by walking away, you are not quitting a fight, but showing compassion for those who think for themselves by not wearing them down. And among those who deserve compassion is yourself. Establish where you stand, listen to see if there is a genuine dialogue or a fist fight happening, and if the latter, walk away. Try first to validate, but if they persist in invalidating smile because you know their game and walk away because you have the strength not to get sucked into it.

I don’t know the answer to dealing with nasty people. I seem to attract people who need me to say I like every bit of them no matter how meanspirited they act. I can like a person and not like everything they do. But such relationships can only last so long over the net where every day you encounter new events and new challenges to the way you think. We put our thoughts out here. This is a very personal matter and we react when anyone comes out at us. The lesson that I am laboring hardest to apply at this time is that these attacks are not personal. These people hurt about something and they’re just waiting to bash the next target that presents itself.

I am allowed to protect myself from psychological abuse and I affirm the right of every blogger to do that within reason. There are no guns being pointed here, no denials of service, or obstructions against participation in the InterNet Superhighway. I have declared my boundaries and I have not made war on any who disagree with them. I’ve gotten low at times, but never so low as that.

Chief among my blogging values is that each of us is allowed to say what we will and we won’t tolerate. Second to that is openness about how we handle things. It is said that I do not tolerate “differing opinions”. Every time I have acted, however, shows a different pattern: the people in question have dealt dishonestly in their conversations with me by using false email addresses, posting insults that are often off-topic, or shown an unwillingness to let a discussion die. I’ve been called to task as “cold-hearted” because I declare simply “My site, my rules.” This same cold heart has affirmed the pain that has led others to make similar statements. I don’t always agree with the rules, but I respect the right of the blogowner to make them. What those who sneer at this simple libertarian principle advocate is a kind of psychological free for all where the abusers have the upper hand.

The law of the playground is how this is frequently described. They rule who can make the weak cry. Here, on this blog, you can’t get away with that. Here everyone is to be treated first as a person with feelings.

I do welcome alternative views that speak from your own experiences out there. That’s what comments should be about: the exchange of ideas. Anyone who comes here for the first time has a clean slate. Read my blog policy, live within it, make suggestions for humanizing it, but always respect that you are talking to a human being here. That’s how you get along with Joel.