Reflections on a Return from Vacation

Posted on November 9, 2003 in Anger Hope and Joy Vacation Fall 2003 Writing Groups

A sense of sadness comes over me as I reconsider these pictures. What you see is the peace that I lost when I came home to California and began dealing with certain people again. Before the trip, I had the temperament to write them off. After the trip, I felt frustrated with them. Is having a vacation such a good idea if what you come back to is suspicion and nasty comments?

I must admit that I played my part — not minding my diabetes in the days following the Halloween washout and eating too much of the leftover candy — but when I consider all evidence, the worst that can be said about me is that — within the context of a self-fouled up body chemistry — I failed to hold my temper in the face of a tantrum by another writer. I feel that I have lost my ability to trust the people in my critique group due to the stories that have come to me about what was said about me during my absence.

I’ve forgiven others for bad hair days. There’s no shame in granting the same consideration to myself.

But will they? I have been yelled at for the content of my stories, patronized by people who claim that they can’t understand my writing, accused of being “threatening” by people who I know from other channels aren’t the nicest of people, and rejected as “too obscure” by people who clearly made no effort to come to grips with the story.

I must remember that there are nice people in this group. But in my opinion, it has become too large and some people stubbornly cling to the notion that big is good. I feel that I am the last person who sees the problem. The others — who are friends who keep in touch — have left. I mourn for them.

I think that this is a bad spot that I am in, that I am focusing on the evil-tempered people. The lesson of Job applies here: it’s not for understanding. It’s for living on.

Part of that is doing what I can to make the group work well for all concerned, a responsibility that I take up every time I attend. It rests not only on my shoulders, but on everyone’s. But my business is minding my own. I will labor towards improving my craft of critique, though I know that perfection is ultimately unattainable. There’s something to be said for reaching a place where you can see the peak of a flying mountain breaking out of the clouds after all, even if you cannot attain it.