Open Letter to Yule: Violence against Men

Posted on December 1, 2003 in Social Justice War

Yule called my attention to some repugnant comments by men who had their noses put out of joint by recent articles at Misbehaving, Misbehaving again, and Burningbird. This letter attempts to point out that there is a common ground worth staking out on the issue of domestic violence against both men and women, that there are “men’s issues” that we should all champion:

I think that men do have legitimate issues to raise with Society, but they point at the wrong people.

A case in point: a counselor told me about a patient of his who is 6’7″ and married to a woman who is 5’2″. This woman is extremely violent and beats on him, often bruising and drawing blood. So far the client has held back on the violence. He went to the therapist seeking other solutions.

The counselor is supportive. The problem is with the local police. When the client calls them, they show up and say “What’s the matter, buddy? Can’t you handle a little woman?”

The therapist provided a good response. “Excuse me, officer. What’s your name and your badge number? Good. I’ll be talking to your desk sargent about your attitude. Here are the bruises and here is where she cut me. Now, do your job and arrest this woman for assault.”

The laws, at least here in California, are gender neutral after all. It’s the enforcers who are purblind.

I see the police in the scenario described promoting an attitude which harms both men and women. They are saying that it is all right for a person to hit another person, to resolve problems through violence. Both men and women can be victimized by domestic abuse. The message the police officers send is that domestic abuse is OK. It is not. Not by the woman, not by the man.

Individual feminists that I have met sometimes laugh in disbelief when I describe situations such as this one. Or a rare fool will say “It serves him right for being a man.” But I know for a fact that incidents like the one I describe exist: I had a girl friend who felt free to hit me. She knew that I would not hit back and liked to “test” me. I walked away (which was easier because I was a man) but this is not always possible even for men because of social pressures put upon them by their families, usually those where abuse is the norm. “What’s the matter, buddy?” their fathers, brothers and — sometimes — their mothers and sisters say in the same tone of voice as the police. “Can’t you handle a little woman?”

My personal lesson from all this is not typical of “male liberationists”: I take all accusations of domestic violence seriously. I’ve seen the black eyes and the scratches myself. Both men and women have shown me their shame. I will help anyone who needs to escape from such a household.

Men have good questions to ask when it comes to seeing them as expendable in wars (I am a pacifist and it irks me to no end when I see some women getting so wrapped up in jingoism that they join the chickenhawks in pushing their sons, husbands, brothers, and fathers into battle) and when totting up the body count in films. Ahnold shoved one woman’s head into a toilet: how many men did his Terminators kill before this incident? I’m not attempting to erase the vulgar incident (I raised my voice in protest against it) but we should have seen it coming: men’s lives are not expendable either. We should shout down the Terminator mentality before it starts to attempt to “compensate” for its violence against men by violence against women. (And vice versa.)

The trouble with the men who you describe is that their comments serve to close down debate, not present better solutions that cover all the cases. They blame women for this because women have been successful in addressing these issues for their own sex (and it’s high time!) What they should do is expand the criticism to include men, to state broadly that violence is repugnant and rarely a reasonable solution for conflict.

When you see anyone laughing at a man because he won’t hit back, whether they are a male police officer or a feminist, tell them off for me, for other men, and for women, too. Nine times out of ten, it will be another man, but don’t let the woman off the hook either. Give her a piece of your mind.