Sleeping Well and Showing Myself

Posted on January 30, 2004 in Hope and Joy

For the first time in months, I slept straight through the night. When the seal of my eyes broke, I felt happy. The happiness of recovery from the sickness that I felt so keenly. I am feeling well, well enough to think back over the painful events of the last few weeks and say to myself “I didn’t get a perfect score, but I actly rightly with the right intentions.”

There’s room for improvement but I wasn’t the villain of the piece after all.

I’ve noticed something about my outbursts of the last few months which seem to jive with a general pattern. They follow periods when I have been happy or on vacation, when my creative drive has been high and my joy almost unbounded.

Does anyone else feel this and how do you cope?

---

Sally said to yesterday’s message: “if your thoughts were that transparent, what would the government do with that ability?” I’m not sure what to make of this. Should I put my light under a bushel?

As policy, I am open about these things: I am diabetic, I take Effexor, I suffer from social phobia and major depression. Many people hide these diseases. A few of my friends and I make them a crusade. A few miserable ones who suffer from some of these syndromes and, obstinantly, refuse to face up to the fact. They attack me.

If I am silent, how will others know that openness is possible? How many people might not get the courage to undergo treatment and therapy? How many will give up trying to feel good if they don’t know that it is okay to fuck up now and then?

I’m in this mostly for me, but if my experience helps others, that’s a bonus.