Resigned

Posted on July 1, 2002 in IRC/Chat

It is altogether too trite to say that “power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely”. I believe that power magnifies whatever corruption or other flaws are already present. Power or any situation for which you are ill suited will certainly show up your weaknesses.

I failed as an op because I didn’t meet the expectations of the other ops. And what makes all the difference is that rather than continue my long failure and the frustration that goes with it, I decided to stop. One certain sign that things aren’t going well is when you spend a lot of time in arguments over who is whose victims. For example, another op at #news_garden complained that I was “breaking down” her training as a “Southern lady” when I asked her not to call me “sir”. The idea of egalitarianism as an imposition strikes me as “strange”, but then, this same person routinely denied my hurts when her pet would start up on me. A common variation on the theme of denial of true victimhood is to blame an attack on the person being attacked. I’ve known a black woman to be targetted because she was black and told to avoid the problem in the future by simply not mentioning her color. On Saturday night I was told that a lesbian was to blame because she was open about her sexuality. The unwritten policy seemed to be that we must not be anything that upsets someone else.

Recriminations abound and I won’t go into them here. I will say that I expect a certain natural course of emotion. Tonight is the elation. Tomorrow is the regret. Then comes the resignation. And finally the shoddy peace. From time to time when someone gets angry with me, they will remind me of my failure as an op. Others told me that I was a good op. But I wasn’t. I doubt that I will go back to #news_garden. The place is not healthy for me.

I said to one friend: “I guess I am not strong enough. And you know what else? That’s OK.”

He replied: “That’s a self disparaging way to put it. That’s like saying an ace first baseman and .300 hitter is not strong enough to be an umpire.”

All the kind words in the world aren’t making me feel better about myself, but I am relieved. They can style themselves as the victims without my gainsaying them.