Vicodin Reflections

Posted on February 23, 2004 in Journals & Notebooks Medications

From my offline journal, dated 2/20/2004:

Still taking vicodin. Not convinced of any special visions. I am sleepy (as is to be expected). Eyes rebelling. How dare I write? Put my attention on a book or a game and I am wide awake. Only sleepy when the pen runs across the page. Observe it closely. What does it do exactly? I don’t feel disoriented. Just extremely relaxed.

Words flow freely. I will have to conduct the genius test. You write and write and sound brilliant in your drug-induced state but then you get out of it and there’s nothing good to be found there.

Could it be that this is a hallucination? What if I dreamed that I wrote; when I checked later the pages were all blank?….

So well drugged when he wrote he wrote nothing. He only imagined seeing the ink come out of the pen. If he had looked back and read — Heck, let’s say he did — he looks back and sees that he has written something different from what he thought he wrote and when he loses his place and starts again, the topic has changed yet again! When he scrolls up, the pages are blank!

An ellipse of blurriness in my head. What page is this? The last must be filled….

Where do all the pens go? I don’t recall taking any out of the bedroom but when I wake up and fumble for the one I used last night I cannot find it. Do they fade into my hallucination? Has the vicodin deceived me so thoroughly?….There’s a piece of fuzz forming on the tip of this pen, from all the scratching I have done. Where are the others?