Measuring Accomplishment vs. Measuring Dignity

Posted on February 4, 2005 in Reflections Silicon Valley

The hardest thing for me to change is a certain egalitarianism which might actually be hindering my personal growth. I don’t like it when people say “you think you’re better than I am”. If truth be told, the answer must be “yes and no”.

Some years ago, I had a crisis involving an overbearing member of a committee I served on. In her eyes, I could do no good. She harped on my every mistake and then pretended that we were great buddies before others. I drove myself nuts. I was, after all, a member of the Religious Society of Friends. Weren’t we supposed to feel good about each other?

I don’t tolerate duplicity very well. I dislike mixed messages, the double binds. A philosophy professor explained the concept of double binds to a class by telling this story: He watched as a mother pressured her daughter to kiss her. The little girl was a contrary sprite. She kept shaking her head. After some prodding before the guests, the little girl relented. As soon as the act was completed, the mother wiped her mouth clean. Professor Erikson predicted that this would grow to be one confused young woman if Gregory Bateson was right.

The woman in the Meeting made me feel like that. I had to endure her meanness and then her pretenses to affection. I agonized over this. My wife went to an elderly friend named Madge Seaver who should have a monument dedicated to her some day for being one of the most incredibly wise human beings who ever walked the planet. Lynn told Madge about my feeling conflicted over what the Society seemed to ask of me and the anger I felt towards the other woman.

Madge is or maybe was one of those people who doesn’t speak without thinking. I don’t know how long she reflected, but what Lynn brought back to me was this: “Tell Joel that you don’t have to like everyone, but you do have to love them.”

I can’t say that I have completely figured out what this means. The phrase, nevertheless, sticks with me. “You don’t have to like everyone, but you do have to love them.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? a voice of derision cries inside of me. I can’t explain it to you. I can just repeat the phrase. I must leave it to others to explore for themselves.

In the course of my life, I have struggled with asthma, dental pain, bipolar disorder (I was recently rediagnosed), a heart condition, gout, and diabetes. I can say that I brought the diabetes on myself by not paying attention to my diet. But I did not choose the genes. I brought my own dental pain on myself, partly. The rotting of my teeth is my fault. I didn’t brush. There’s another problem — a strange splaying of the bite — which wasn’t my fault. The asthma is a burden that I did not ask for. The same holds true for the heart condition and the gout. Now that I am educated, I watch my diet. But I am not cutting my spirit or punishing my body for the sins of my past.

There are other, unproductive ways which I could have used to deal with them. I could have started drinking, kept using drugs. But I didn’t. My bipolar condition can lead me to make some pretty messianic statements if I am not looking. I shoot off my mouth without thinking. I’m not always aware of what I’ve said until after it is pointed out. I plough ahead in my manic enthusiasm. I’m having to learn to watch that. It bugs the fuck out of people. I need to learn to watch for the conditions which predispose me to it.

To get where I am — to survive — I had to overcome a lot. And there’s more to overcome. Someone told me today that there are few people who have explored their consciousnesses more than I have, questioned their motives. There’s an element out there who say “So you think you’re so fucking pure, eh?” The answer to that is “no, I don’t.” Additionally I add, “so what is so bad about trying to be a good person?” I am not going to let others pressure me into thinking that is a sin.

Compared to some people, I am a better person. I’ve fallen, sure, everyone does. But I have struggled towards an integrity, an interconnectedness of my being. I continue to want to act in a more healthy fashion. No one deserves or is going to get an apology because I am like this. I am not going to let some false prophet of egalitarianism tell me that I cannot heal. I am not going to let some critic tell me that because I made a mistake, nothing I said can be trusted. I am not going to surrender the advances that I have made, even if someone else says they make them look bad. Yes, dammit, I am better than some if not many people.

Even the most mediocre, the cruelest, and the worst of these, on the other hand, remains a human being. When I first started studying Quakerism, I read a passage in the Pacific Yearly Meeting Faith and Practice which remains a cornerstone of my thinking to this day: We are not equals in abilities, experience, or perception. But we are all entitled to equal dignity.

So there you have found the explanation of my answer: Yes and No. I am better in some perceptions, in some skills, some experiences. At the same time, I remain a human being, one man with one vote, not a guru but a peer to all that I meet.