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Fifteen Nowhere Facts

Posted on April 14, 2005 in Humor?

“Ad hoc, Ad loc, quid pro quo,
So little time, so much to know.”
– Jeremy Hilary Boob, Ph.D., Yellow Submarine

square165.gifApril Fools Day is nearly two weeks past, but that will not stop me from polluting the Net with a series of rumors which are entirely false. Yes, I guarantee that there is not a factual basis to any of the following statements. Spread them as you please, but give me full credit for these lies. (And enjoy them while you can because I rarely lie on this page!):

  1. Sylvia Plath was the model for “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” in Yellow Submarine.
  2. Andy Warhol advised David Lean on the riot scene of Dr. Zhivago
  3. Check the background in the St. Louis Cemetery sequence in Easy Rider: George W. Bush walks past, carrying a brown bag.
  4. A young Dick Cheney is one of the children loitering on the street in It’s a Wonderful Life.
  5. Ho Chi Minh auditioned for the part of Charlie Chan during the 1930s.
  6. Che Guevara showed up at a Berkeley peace demonstration looking for Joan Baez. He failed to find her, but noshed on falafel along Telegraph Avenue with Jane Fonda.
  7. Tom Delay witnessed the Kent State shootings. The experience so traumatized him that he switched parties.
  8. Janice Joplin overdosed after being rejected by former Orange County Congressman Bob Dornan.
  9. Jerry Brown used Linda Ronstadt to cover for his affair with Karen Carpenter. He advised Karen to record her own version of “Let it Be” but she died of anorexia before she could realize the project.
  10. Frank Sinatra sometimes sang drag alongside Timothy Leary at Finnochios in San Francisco.
  11. Frida Kahlo is buried three graves away from Emperor Norton in Colma’s Woodlawn Cemetery. Her tombstone says “Beloved Wife and Mother”.
  12. Alexander the Great was diagnosed with bipolar disorder by Carl Jung. Herman Hesse channeled the conqueror’s spirit.
  13. Sigmund Freud carried on an passionate correspondence with Lily Lantry until her death. He was so grieved when he heard the news of her demise, he gave up the use of cocaine.
  14. Adolf Hitler briefly worked in Hollywood just before the First World War. He plays a corpse in the St. Bartholomew Day Massacre sequence in D.W. Griffith’s Intolerance. It was at this time that he met Charlie Chaplin.
  15. Shortly after the first Bush inaugaration, Al Gore hacked the White House computers so that they would all play “You’re so Vain” at startup.

If I spoke prose you’d all find out / I don’t know what I talk about.

An authentic interview with Jeremy Hillary Boob Ph.d.

You might also enjoy this learned paper which is complete gibberish. (Thanks to Ming the Mechanic!)< /p>

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