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Pope on a Rope

Posted on April 17, 2005 in Humor? Pontiff Watch

square105.gifThey’re collecting the money and watching the smoke coming out of the Sistine Chapel Chimney at noon and 7 PM every day. The lucky guesser of the next Popes identity could find him or herself rolling in enough bucks to commission a memorial church.

Electronic bookmaker Paddypower.com has Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger leading the pack at 3 to 1 odds, followed by France’s Jean-Marie Lustiger and Italy’s Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini. The homophobic Francis Arinze of Nigeria — a favorite of some — is running just behind another Italian — Dionigi Tettamanzi — and Brazil’s Claudio Hummes at 8 to 1.

New Zealand’s Stuff was pleased to see that hometown boy Tom Williams had a 100 to one chance of becoming the next pope. Scotland’s Keith O Brien is presumably the leading English-speaking candidate at 20 to 1, though purists may insist that Cormac Murphy-O’Connor at 40 to 1 owns the honor.

The leading American candidates are Cardinal Keeler, Sean Patrick O’Malley, and Cardinal Justin Rigali, hoofing together at 100 to 1. Cardinal John Law does not make Paddypower’s list. (What would they do in the event that he was elected?) Bringing up the rear are nine candidates (mostly from third world nations) at 125 to 1:

  • Cardinal Jean-Baptiste Pham Minh Man (Vietnam)
  • Bishop John Magee (Ireland)
  • Cardinal Roger Etchegaray (Italy)
  • Cardinal Polycarp Pengo (Tanzania)
  • Agostino Cacciavillan (Italy)
  • Cardinal Ghattas (Egypt)
  • Jose MarĂ­a Rouco Varela (Spain)
  • Cardinal Armand G. Razafindratandra (Madagascar)
  • Pierre Cardinal Sfeir (Lebanon)

There’s also a derby for the next Papal Name. John Paul III is surprisingly not the frontrunner at 7 to 2: at three to one odds, Benedict claims that honor. John XXIV strides in at 10 to 1 and Paul at 14 to 1. The semite-alienating Pius stands at a remarkably strong 6 to 1. Whoever chooses that one will send a strong message to Jews, namely that the Church has not figured out its role in the Holocaust.

Here’s to hoping that the next pope shows more imagination. One could, for example, imagine a John Paul John Paul who honors his predecessors or, on a more conservative note, a Pius John Paul John Paul. A few apostles still haven’t been recognized: I don’t recall a Pope Matthew or a Pope Andrew, for example. Pope Linus II is long long overdue. There are several saints who haven’t been seized upon. And don’t forget that conquerors are eligible: Alexander was a popular name, so we could see Pope Dwight or Napoleon or William. It’ll be a bad sign if the choice is Adolf.

For my part, I hope the new Holy See goes where no Pope has gone before. Looking over the list of names, I am hoping for the election of Tanzania’s cardinal and that he keeps his name.

Pope Polycarp Pengo: nice alliteration.


For the National Catholic Reporter’s picks, click here.

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