Pollen Pushed by a Santa Ana

Posted on April 18, 2005 in Disappointment Encounters OCD

I was going to meet a friend at the Aliso Viejo Barnes and Noble, but she had to cancel out. Which happens. It can be hard for me to not to blame myself for the noshow — what is wrong with me? — a style of thinking which I am best allowing to blow through like pollen shoved through my nostrils like a Santa Ana. Still, it’s not inappropriate to sneeze, is it?

The struggle came later. I had this coupon for 15 % off any book at Barnes and Noble. I had planned to use the opportunity of visiting the store with my friend to make a selection. The trouble came when I set out to go. I felt guilty and afraid. What if I went on a spending spree, unchecked by my wife or knowing friend(s)? When I found myself in a parking lot, I called a few friends who knew the rub. None of them were in. So I went inside, alone and unsupported.

I love books. Today, however, every book menaced me. A thin sheet of gray was stretched across each volume. I looked and looked and did not see anything which appealed to me. Finally, I went upstairs and just bought some volume by Herman Hesse. Went down to the cash register. An elderly clerk rang up a obsessive compulsive young mother who caught him double-ringing-up one of the books. He had to stop and call a manager.

I was the only person in line and this was the only clerk. I gyrated in quarter turns, checking out the racks and the people. Finally, the old man told me to go to the music counter where I could be rung up right away. I did. The young fellow who punched the keys and took the money here carried on a conversation about where some CD should go while he served me. Yes, there is personal service to be had at the Spectrum Center Barnes and Noble.

On the way home, I listened to Mahler’s First Symphony. I kept replaying the last movement, “From Inferno to Paradisio”. When I got home, I rushed into the house and got on the computer before anyone could call me.