On Neediness

Posted on April 20, 2005 in Compassion Depression

They say — it is that ambiguous, know-it-all they who speaks — that you should not be needy. And I do the best I can not to impinge on other people, not to demand, not to threaten suicide, not to expect people to make good on promises. I’m told that compassion is the cure for my feelings. Feeling for those who cannot give is how I interpret this. And I do fine not needing other people until I go out the door.

There I see neighbors wearing t-shirts and sucking from bottles of beer standing outside of a garage, chatting while another fixes his motorbike for this weekend’s race. I see children running up and down the street. I see a cluster of women sharing the gossip about the neighborhood. Two people stop to let their dogs sniff one another’s butt and share what they know. A woman chats on a cell phone. Every single one of them gets their need for other people filled.

It’s not a mingling of the arms and the legs, the attachment of genitals that I seek. It’s this talking, this passing the time. People who knock on the door just to see how I am, who meet me for coffee, who call unexpectedly. I need depth of conversation and I need variety. I am told not to need this. Am I better than these others? Am I supposedly more healthy because I can get on without intimate talk? I don’t think so.

We don’t do a very good job — outside of bars and churches — of creating gathering places for people here in the Orange. If you are shy, you remain in your house most of the time, out of the neighborhood.

There’s a myth that says all you have to do is walk out the door and start talking. You walk up to someone and they are your friend. People accept you for what you are. Don’t believe it for a moment. It’s not true. People will form theories over which you have no control. Some self-help types hold this out as a bait, hoping to sell you on their books. Don’t take it. You will find your expectations dashed.

So we come back to those who say “Don’t Need”. Which is like starving a man for a month and then putting a plate of food just out of his reach. “Don’t Hunger. Don’t Thirst.” I believe that neediness is a part of the human condition. I am tired of wearing this Clint Eastwood mask, tired of pretending that I can get on without friends or human contact. I am tired of being alone during the days.

I need people. That is no sin.