An Inventory of Happiness

Posted on May 23, 2005 in Hope and Joy Reflections

When asked what makes them happy, many people will talk about Disneyland or another pleasure center. This is the kind of thing which came from the pens and the mouths of some people with whom I participated in an exercise. I wrote something quite different:

I’ve always had this problem with happiness: it implies this critical voice that sounds like my mother or my brother, that follows and trashes all the triumphs, faith in friends, good books, brave new ideas. What can’t be stolen are the clouds, the sunbreaks, the light on the face of a beautiful person. And when you’ve seen enough light on enough faces, you realize that there are no ugly people. That great camera which I keep in my head, that slideshow depicts slot canyons, forests cresting over mountains, rivers that rub their stones smooth, the color of the light flashing across brick walls….

That is my inventory of what makes me happy. And when I hear people talk of Disneyland or their car or the house they use to visit at a beach, I feel sad. They live in a different world which matches this one. Natalie Goldberg once asked her zen master if it was true that the farther you explored your consciousness, the lonelier you would feel. Yes, he said.

I don’t know that I am a zen master, but I do know about the road less traveled. The more you know your own mind, the fewer companions you seem to have. For someone like me who has always had few friends, that is a terrifying prospect. Nevertheless, I go on and on.