Ataxia and Sensitivity

Posted on June 5, 2005 in Mania Medications

When I go up or down stairs lately, my feet occasionally don’t find the steps quite right. The heels and soles of my feet seem to turn into ball bearings for just an instant. I roll along for a second or two, have a near fall, then catch myself.

It’s a side effect of the lithium that rears up when I’ve let myself become dehydrated, a moderate form of ataxia: my feet won’t cooperate with my eye or that organless sense call procipiation which coordinates how the limbs relate to the body. Confused, my feet hover for a moment before they plop down. What I do is slow down and, when I get to the deck, drink plenty of water.

How can I live with these side effects, people ask. First, they are moderate and I know how to compensate. Second, I weigh out the effects against the disease that the medication controls. What this teaches me is to be more mindful of my water intake and my movement up stairs and steep slopes.

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Lack of coordination has long been a problem. I am not sure whether it results from a neurological condition or just my nervousness from being observed by others. When I was in elementary school, I had trouble throwing, catching, and hitting balls. When playing a game such as miniature golf, I do better when others aren’t looking and commenting. One book I am reading suggests that this marks me as a sensitive person. I’m turning that concept over in my mind. Could it be that beyond my disease there is this other condition or state of being called sensitivity? The book author suggests that the answer is not to medicate it out of existence — Valium is a common tool — but to honor it and learn to turn it into an asset. Not being good in sports or work when being observed is a common trait of highly sensitive people. The test at this site suggests that I have many more reasons to consider myself one of these. And it’s not a disease like my bipolar disorder is, but a way of being.

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How do I integrate the two viewpoints on my emotions? I see the bipolar disorder as a definite disease. It brings me to indigo lows and ridiculous, frantic, exuberant, and perilous highs. I take medication for this.

My sensitivity exists for other reasons. For whatever reasons, I am more aware of my surroundings. I startle easily. Bright lights stimulate me. When I read, I enter the world of the book. (When I am in a mania, it is nearly impossible for me to focus on my reading.)

I think they are related in this way: I happen to be genetically predisposed to both. At a point in my life, my sensivity racheted up to the point that I snapped. And that triggered my first episode of bipolar disorder. Years and years ago. I don’t think anyone noticed except for me.