Reflector Signs

Posted on June 8, 2005 in Mania

Lately I’ve been falling into a bad bad habit: I’ve been staying up until all hours of the morning. Last night I didn’t vanish in my covers until nearly one. The time on this post should say how much worse I erred tonight.

It’s one of these things I must watch, a reflector sign in the dark night of the soul. Unlike most Americans, I am aware of my mental illness. Yet my sanity can slip away, subtly. Like a leper, I routinely check and check again the corners of my mind, flexing the lobes and exploring the convolutions, watching for any sign that I am losing it: fast talking, racing thoughts, inability to focus, distractability, the temptation to go out and spend extravagantly or take a sudden trip. I will not allow anyone to say that I am unfit for life: 98% of all crimes are committed by people who are “sane”. That leaves 2% for people like me, who comprise a larger part of the population. We, the ones who get locked up, are the ones you can trust the most because we know our minds and we are on constant guard.

OK, I’m bragging. In medical terms, I am verging on grandiosity which is a symptom of mania. Still, I cannot help but recall the experience of a woman in a support group who described finding herself among the nicest people she’d ever met when she entered a lockdown ward. That’s been my experience, too. If you want kindness, find a person with a mood disorder (preferably on meds). More importantly, be kind yourself. To yourself and to others. America needs that kind of sanity. The country’s been bleeding red in the heartland.

And I’ve got to get to bed.