Invisible and Muzzled Man

Posted on October 31, 2005 in Stigma

Being away at a convention of mood disorder sufferers sloughs the heaviness off one’s shoulders and gently raises one into the industrious comfort of hypomania. Though I paused to mark the death of that beautiful woman, Rosa Parks (why is it that with each passing such as this that I feel the world of splendor that I watched unfold during my childhood is falling to pieces?), I mostly did a few memory walks and drives, then travelled to Sacramento to mix with other bipolars.

In one session, I stated “I know that it is important that we learn to get along with others. I do not object to that. But it is important that those others learn to get along with us.”

For me, the whole world is like a huge cult that wants me to belong but only on its terms. Pieces of that globular collection of fragments want me to stop taking my meds. Others want to medicate me more, bring me down to a flat line. Some say “join our religion, join our cult, honor our guru, help us initiate our plan for world dominance, pray to our god so that you will be saved.” Political parties want my vote and often do nothing in return except talk of ways to make it easier to lock me up. Bosses like me when I am feeling manic because I work work work. But they dump me when depression slows my arms and my mind. I am called lazy. I am called crazy. In other words, I am the target of much rudeness. More than a few friends of mine have been targets of violence.

So when I said those words, parts of the audience broke out in applause because we’ve become tired of being invisible men and invisible women. Hiding is necessary for many of us because if we don’t we may lose jobs and friends. I have seen the heavy brown coat of patronization thrown over intelligent people who have suddenly been seen as stupid — their words and ideas treated as suspect — just because they have this disease. What is worse, I have seen others hide and wreak emotional harm to themselves and those around them with their aggressiveness and control. I can understand that, somewhat, because of the high price you pay when you are exposed.

Here’s an interesting fact for you: A simple question can be asked of a group of businessmen and a group of bipolars. Name as many items that you can find in a grocery store as you can. You have three minutes. How many do you think the corporate executives came up with in that time? Eight. How many did the bipolars come up with? So many that the writer could not keep up. The mind of the bipolar, even under medications, works fast and to a purpose. So why are we left to sit at home wearing our bathrobes and living on disability? The ordinary are just too damned afraid of our speed and too obsessed with maneuvering for money and power where we just want to create and think problems through for the better of all.

One can get to sounding like Magneto when one compares those who lead this country with ourselves. Something needs to be changed here, but too often it gets to sounding like “get rid of the mentally ill”. Get rid of them either by hospitalizing them or denying that they exist. But I want to live in this world. I want to be a contributor. The leader of the workshop suggested that maybe the best system would be to leave the bipolars to come up with the ideas and the rest to bring them to implement them. While that sounds like a throwback to the days when shamans ruled the tribes, there’s wisdom in those words. Ideas are what I do well.

No roundup this week.