The Garbage Truck and the Shower

Posted on November 14, 2005 in Reflections Stigma

The garbage truck came around early this morning and now it is back. Twice in one day or so it sounds. My cell phone keeps singing the “Light Calvary Overture” as a warning that, perhaps, I should take my shower and prepare to face my student.

Advocacy of anything may be the most soul-sucking activity behind working in another man’s shop that the twist of meat and fat which is the “mind-body connection” endures. If you have anything worth saying, especially about prejudice, you’re going to offend people. You will especially offend other advocates against prejudice who think that your strivings cut them out of the voice.

I am not going to tie the garbage trucks, my cell phone, or the shower into my recent frustrations with other bloggers except in this fashion: there’s a lot of background noise slipping its flippers in between the venetian blinds and through the office door. One loud note thuds repeatedly in my fear and it is a loud, menacing whisper: “You are mentally ill.”

My psychiatrist and my therapist urge that this means nothing as long as I take my medications. Those closest to me know how I am. I can have disagreements with them, state my point of view, and be heard without the patronizations and the silence so typical of the blog world. Bloggers, for the most part, especially those who fancy themselves especially intellectual, act like the strangers who think they know all about mental illness — the church ladies who pat me on the head, tell me to put on my strait jacket and enjoy being isolated, the salesmen who have no time, no time, no time. I suspect a few of them of being mentally ill themselves, of hiding it from themselves and from others.

* * * * *

Even Maureen Dowd can spot double standards when she sees them. In a sexist society, men and women are often judged differently for displaying the same character trait. We’re all familiar with double standards that attach to the same overt behavior. A woman who raises her voice in public will be judged differently than a man who does the same thing.

Lindsay Beyerstein

This is true. What I wonder is do we judge the mentally ill differently from for displaying the same character trait?

It’s a tough call. For me as a bipolar, hypergraphia and fast talking are symptoms of my disease. Some translate my writing a lot into a manic burp. From there, they jump to “don’t trust him” especially if I disagree.

That’s not where it ends. The sane spend many hours imitating the points of view of each other. Now and then, one of the sane writes an article which breaks new ground but mostly they work off talking points, pulling their ideas out of a shared culture. Their creativity is hailed as a breakthrough.

It has not been uncommon for me to make a statement, have it ignored, and then some months later, seen it applauded as a new idea when one of the core crowd makes it. I don’t know if they came up with it on their own or stole it. I judge the latter more probable though I don’t discount the second. What hurts is that when I had the idea, it seems to have been written off. I keep suspecting that it is because I have been open about my being mentally ill.

I go on. As trained by my therapist, I stick to my own vision and keep going.

I believe it just short of absolute certainly that there is a double standard for the mentally ill just as there is for women. I live in it every day, smiling my way through it, reminding myself that I am a human being and that I represent no threat.

Taking that shower won’t wash these feelings away because they are my skin. Throwing out the garbage won’t unburden me of my load, because it is my bones.