Time to get Professional Counsel

Posted on October 21, 2002 in Depression

Damn psychoactive medications can put you through the wringer. Nothing like bouncing around and getting screamed at to put across the point that you’re doing something wrong with the medications you are taking.

First thing in the morning, I get myself a local shrink. I discontinued my relationship with the last one because, well, he was in Menlo Park and I’m down here in Orange County, 400 miles away. I miss his wise counsel and guidance. I need someone to check in with.

Wish me luck!

(It’s that darned xanax again! I took some late in the week. I lived so many years in a depression that I didn’t see this sneaking up on me. The mood swing didn’t register as “abnormal” because it had been my normality for years. To contrast: last year, I was on an diabetes medication that stimulated insulin production. When I got to feeling light-headed and dizzy, I knew something was wrong I’d never felt those things before. The creeping grayness however, envelopes me quite subtly. And right now, it seems, what I need is not to give up the xanax, but to use it with guidance while I experiment with new social situations. Oh god. You know the dream of every sick person is to be well. There’s a lot of social pressure to “not be dependent on drugs”, too. What I need is a competent ally in managing this situation. I’m saying to myself: it’s OK to need help. And tomorrow morning, first thing, I am getting it.)

Additional thoughts: Probably the hardest thing to take when I am like this is advice given in the spirit that I am a clueless child. A well-meaning friend wrote me with tips that amounted to “being a better human being”. I’m 44 years old and I’ve been on the net since 1988. When I am “well”, I follow all the rules for avoiding conflict. I can handle someone misunderstanding me or being aggressive towards me except when my psycho chemistry is out of kilter and my buttons are set to a hair trigger. That is where I need to focus my energies: balancing my mood again.

My issues are chemical in nature. I’ve gotten to the point, it seems, that if I don’t take at least half a xanax every other day, I turn into an irritable freak. I can’t go cold turkey as I have been attempting to do. It not only produces symptoms of depression, I have discovered, but it also can kill me if I do not taper off it properly. I did some reading tonight and concluded that the new set of stresses in my life (sick mother, the pressure of meeting new people, the war, etc.) had not only led to increased xanax use, but dependence. That’s why I am seeking the help of a professional.