Migraines and Mania

Posted on February 5, 2006 in Body Language Mania Sorrow & Regret

Migraines and mania are alike in this way: a sure salve for the overstimulated brain is to sit in a dark room with your eyes covered, blocking out all sounds and smells as you wait out the confusion. Burned by a peppery world, you are tempted to run rampant like a steer who has realized that the gates at the end of the railway journey lead to the slaughterhouse. Migraines and mania are different in this: when you have a migraine, you seek out the darkness and in mania, you don’t realize you need to go until you embarass yourself.

It didn’t hit me that I was in a hypomania (a mild one) until yesterday when I was asked to facilitate a support group. Though others said I did an excellent job, I realized that I was talking too much, more than a true facilitator should. I lost focus on what was being said.

Later at lunch, my jokes were too strong. Again, others could not see anything more than mild symptoms. My thoughts ran sprints. I wasn’t quite to the state where they jumped out of the understory of my stored memory and dashed uncontrollably to my mouth, but they were nearly there.

I’ve exploded this week and then calmed down almost immediately. Earlier, at another support group, I lost it when another member who has even less self control than I skewered a tender spot. I jumped to my feet and started heading towards the door. Friends grabbed me and returned me to my seat. I was confused for a few minutes, but I found my wiser mind after breathing deeply. I exploded on this blog, too. In both cases, I found myself asking “Where the hell did that come from?”

In both cases, I had felt pacific, serene. Then the halcyon waves turned into killer whales.

The trigger, I think, are the recountings of my painful pain. For now, I am setting those aside.