An Imaginary Town

Posted on February 9, 2006 in Prose Arcana

Welford lies on the Zanuck Road not far from Taursus. The inhabitants — who are all male — speak a form of pidgin in which female articles and referents are never used. No one was born here. Social workers from the great metropolises brought their unwanted children to this spot; consequently, the town boasts a higher than average ratio of the malformed, the mentally deficient, former crack babies, and African-Americans.

The inhabitants of Welford are very strict about enforcing their gender rules. Mice and other vermin are caught in special traps designed to keep them alive until their genitals may be inspected. Female mice die instantly. Males are released. The same holds true for other rodents, birds, rabbits, and desert foxes which wander into a 100 yard broad zone encircling the town. A few years ago, the citizens of Welford voted to allow milk, cheese, and yogurt to be served so long as it was brought in from outside the town. Few citizens ever leave Welford. Food products from the outside are deposited in the town square at dawn. Elders watch the delivery to be sure that the contractor does not send a woman driver.

Despite the hamlet’s uniform gender, homosexuality is rare. Pubescent males occasionally consecrate themselves to Attis, who has a temple near the town’s center. Supplicants erected a concrete block building equipped with sluices and a broad grey brick apron where participants in an annual bloodletting and castration feast may demonstrate their devotion to the god.

Other less devout residents choose to practice either Christianity or one of the nature religions. There is one Muslim.

When a Catholic priest came to town, the citizenry convened a special meeting outside the town limits to discuss whether the word “virgin” constituted a violation of the speech rules. The consensus — which the priest vigorously opposed — held that the word could be used if it did not refer to any female. Rosaries, they also insisted, could not be used or spoken of. The good father told the men about Mount Athos which the Virgin Mary had been specifically allowed to tour. A reconsideration ensued and failed. The diocesan plenipotentiary drove away in the Toyota Camry which had been bestowed on him by a generous benefactor in San Bernardino. At the behest of his bishop, he composed a letter to the Vatican explaining the situation in Welford. The reply has not yet been received.