Icarus

Posted on February 19, 2006 in Depression Psychotropics

For every soaring, there must be a landing. Mine came after 10 days of increased lithium intake. A plane buzzes overhead as I write this and I feel two things: that I want to be in it and that I want to remain on the ground.

Sparks remind me that I felt euphoric and did foolish things. And I rush off to grab the lithium. I know that this state of lethargy does not constitute what my psychiatrist deems a healthy mind. Thanks to Lamictal and cognitive therapy, I do not feel sad. The other catalogued symptoms — flat affect, lethargy, slowing down — swell up in my body*. Yes, they happen because of the medication.

All it takes now is dropping one pill each day. For the last ten days, I took an extra 300 mg. That calmed me, made it easier to resist the explosions, the blatherings, the inane and invasive questions that I asked of others, and the tragicomic blurtings. I felt stronger. Each day of solidifying mental backbone, however, pressed me down a little harder. A great sheet overlay my mood and then I added a real sheet, a blanket, and a comforter to grant me peace in my day. Depression. Not angry, not destructive, just a limpness of the body.

I feared the merry rampage. In this planted state, I make no ruins.

The airplane has left. I listen for the sound of its props, for the energy of its engine, the explosions of its high grade fuel inside steel-sealed chambers, but it has gone to seek its airport, to make a landing, and to be warehoused or parked on the landing strip. Poor aluminum bird. To spend most of its service life grounded, only to rise for a few hours every week or so. The monoplane knows no middle state. And in my moods, I believe that this analogy holds good for me.

One less pill. I am ready to do it. This vision of high flight and a fall like Icarus, however, keeps me licking the ground, licking the ground.

*I find it odd that Scientologists deny the chemical nature of mental illness and yet complain about the use of psychotropics. If chemistry in the brain has nothing to do with it, then the drugs should have no effects.