What I Said

Posted on March 21, 2006 in Crosstalk Mailbox

UPDATE: Manica sets the record straight.

Manica at Moon Moods alludes, anonymously, to an email exchange between us in an inaccurate way. First, she says that I wrote to her about her recent behavior, suggesting that I had given unsolicited advice. This is not true. She wrote to me asking for clarification of comments (including my usual …. which I post when I feel I have nothing to add and “holding your hand” which should be self-explanatory) and my opinion. Furthermore, I feel, she misrepresented what I said.

Consequently, several people started to comment on my advice, which left me very uncomfortable, especially since they got a negative reframing and started saying things that I felt questioned my compassion.

I am not at liberty to reveal her email (unless she posts a false version) but I own my own email. Here it is so you can make up your own mind about what I said and its wisdom:

Thanks for asking. Remember, I could be wrong and I am not there to talk to you/observe you firsthand.

1.) I would amend my feelings to say you are hypomanic — running a little fast, but functional. You’re not thinking you are The Goddess. Just be aware that it could happen. It could also peak low and then fall into a low grade depression which you can bounce right out of. The phrase “energetic stability” could represent this condition.

Guessing from what I have read in your blog, I’d rate you at running between a 6 and an 8 where 1 is you are so depressed that you want to die but you can’t get out of bed to do it; 10 is where you think you are the Universe Itself; and 5 is riding an even keel.

2.) Here is the sequence of events* that have me thinking you might be hypomanic:

* First you get rid of that schmuck of a husband in a hurry. Manic or not, this was a good move.
* Second, you complain that you are horny. Repeatedly. (High libido is a sign of mania. Yeah, it feels real good. I don’t entirely fault it.)
* Third, you see a man walking by every day. You think of copulating with him. Almost obsessively.
* Fourth, You get a date. You are thinking about when it is “appropriate” to go to bed with him — you just can’t wait.
* Fifth, you have sex with him after three dates. You tell us by posting the picture of the mayonnaise jar. A little blunt there.
* Sixth, you start to complain that the petals of the rose have fallen and even though he is a nice fellow, maybe it is time to give him up.
* Seventh, he doesn’t contact you for 24 hours and you panic.

Mind you: sex isn’t evil. I’ve had my share (well, a little less) of premarital coitus in my time and I’m not saying you are a bad person. It seems to me that you’re running a little fast. Not catastrophically so, but fast. You’ve made a lot of moves in the last two months. Your language has had broad flourishes to it.

3.) Now if I knew you in real life, I’d take a hands off, but watchful approach — in other words, I’d let you run about unless you were starting to be a danger to yourself or others. From what I have seen, you have the wisdom to do this yourself.

It’s just a warning. Be watchful. You’ve had a major life change. These often spur us into mania or depression. You seem to run to happy mania. And why not? You’ve escaped a real jerk and now you have the chance to enjoy the company of a nice man. Why not?

Not all manias make us into the Incredible Hulk. You seem to be having a happy one. Just take time to slow down — enjoy soft music, etc. And ride it out. Have your friends over. Watch out for overstimulating yourself. It’s a real illness you have, but there’s no harm in having constructive fun.

You’re going to be all right, [Manica]. When I leave the dots it means that I have nothing more to add to what you say. And the hand-holding — well, it’s just friendliness and encouragement. You’re going to be all right.

Note that this is NOT a flame, but simply me standing up for myself.

To those who commented, I suggest you forbear when you have not seen the email for yourself.

How am I feeling? Well, mildly betrayed, misrepresented, misunderstood, and feeling like the same old shit comes down no matter how hard you try to be a good person. Kindness is its own reward. Sigh.

* All these incidents were posted on her blog. She asked. I explained.

UPDATE: Manica came back and set things straight:

Hey joel, just catching up on my blog as I have been away from technology all day. I absolutely positively was not referring to you in that post and I am very sorry that you thought I was. Further, I didn’t feel that I implied I was upset with the comments you provided just the situation. This all a huge misunderstanding, Joel as I was not referring to your very helpful insight, which it was, which I believe I Indicated how thankful I was at time and I regret that you feel betrayed, but I can assure that it was not your comments I was referring to in that post. It was someone who sent me an email the very same day as that post.

Misunderstandings happen all the time. In life and on-line. I just wish you could have emailed me privately for clarification before you became so upset – it was so unecessary for you to be upset as I was not referring to your very welcomed comments – always in the past and hopefully in the future. I know I should have this by email but I’m lazy and this was easier somehow and I know you moderate your comments so it doesn’t necessarily have to show up if you don’t want it to.

Let’s just put this whole mess behind us.

Yeah, that sounds fine by me. You’re still all right in my book. Just confusing sometimes.

Hell, it was still a good letter.

I’ve turned comments off for this because this is not intended as an escalation and I don’t want to afford people the opportunity to embarass themselves by trying to defend what they said. I might publish thoughtful emails.