Heart Needing a Rest Outside

Posted on April 14, 2006 in Anxiety Disappointment

Someone told me recently that I cared a great deal about people and about the group and practices that were supposed to help them. My heart has been beating so hard lately about these things that I’ve wanted to pull it out of my chest and let it rest on a table for a bit.

I can’t stand it when people tell me that they want change and then remain silent when the time comes to discuss it. I know that I become strident. Being a reformer, an advocate does not seem to be my gift. What I do well is maintain an equanimity. But you can’t get there without the advocacy. I am so tired of this. I need it.

The other thing I do not like are liars, especially those who make serious mistakes but because they do not want to face the fact that a part of them may not be wise or may not be good, they insist that what they do is good. They, too, can be a serious problem.

Finally there are those people who are all advice and no ears.

I’m tired. I don’t know how to give advice or criticism to people who don’t behave like I do. I know that my distress gets to me. But I also know that my distress does not come from a place of selfishness. I’m not out to get girls or money. Last night I was speaking to my cousin. What’s up, she asked. Oh, I’m involved in one of those things that mean a lot to me, but won’t bring me any monetary gain. I can’t ever get excited about that kind of thing. If any venture of mine ever realizes a capital gain, I will be very surprised. I wish that I could wreak some positive change in a group that lasts. It’s not for the fame or the prestige. It’s for the Good.

I’m off on a retreat this weekend. I’ll make some time to cry about all this.

Seven Destructive Habits of Incompetent People