On The Origin of Small Hopes

Posted on November 23, 2006 in Sorrow & Regret

Its either the biggest copout or the biggest mark of ignorance about what to say: “Don’t take this personally.” Over the last few days as I have faced a crisis, I’ve heard these words over and over. They remind me of an article I read in TIME many years ago, describing a technique used by torturers. They would deliver the pain and then say “That doesn’t hurt.”

The torture I am feeling is not being wreaked by the people giving the advice for the most part. Others want me to hurt and in excess of the pain that I caused another person by a magnitude of more than 600 times. The attacks have all been personal. And it may reward the perpetrators to know that they have almost reached their mark.

Here I must share a secret: what I do when I hear a person express pain stemming from personal attacks. I never say “Don’t take it personally” because words do matter and I do not want to convey the notion to the person that what has happened to them doesn’t ache. The trick is not to add to the pain or deny it, but to acknowledge it. “I know it hurts” should preface the consolation and there should be no “but” except as in “I know you don’t believe this right now, but it will pass.” Small hopes are the basis of recovery supported by others.

I just wish that people would follow my example when they speak to me about recent matters. Hurting does not mean that the others are winning but failing in a major way.

Thank you to my online friends who have mostly shown better sense that some I know offline.