The Barroom

Posted on December 4, 2006 in Relationships Responsibility

The worst fights I have watched in my time concern who gets to be the victim.

Many people — especially former addicts — continue to believe in a model that I call “the barroom” when they judge conflicts between others. It works something like this: A is a man with an earring. He overhears B say to C that B does not like men wearing earrings. So A declares B’s statement to be a personal affront against him and beats B to a bloody pulp.

Now B pleads to others that A had no business doing that to him. D declares that B got what was coming to him, implying that B stating a dislike was equal to a beating.

A, of course, likes D’s interpretation of events. It gets him off the hook for the atrocity he has just committed. If left to D’s opinions, B gets screwed and nothing happens to A. In A and D’s version, B is the attacker, the intiator of events and a vile gossip.

I’ve seen this occur at many levels: from the most casual of relationships to foreign affairs. Instead of telling A to get a thick skin and take some anger management classes (as well as put A in prison for assault), we blame B. B can be any number of persons from a victim of viscious gossip to a rape victim. The law of the barroom attempts to get around common sense and actual law to intimidate B out of taking action.

B is not left with much other than legal action. He loses his access to the places he used to frequent because D loudly sides with A. Some say “good riddance” on B’s behalf because the barroom is obviously not a safe place for him, but B still feels grief because justice is not served and he has lost a society.

And it is sociopathy, twisting things so that right is determined by the bully and his ilk, not the victims.

* * * * *

Seconds after I wrote this, I turned to my RSS feeds and found this article by Christopher Hitchens which illustrates this principle quite well. Hitchens says we shouldn’t even try to curb racist remarks. Who wins? The utterer of racist remarks, of course. “Go back to your drinks,” Hitchens says. “You’ve lost the argument.”

I’m not one to give up in the face of a naysayer. We should make an effort to eradicate racist language even if the results are not immediately visible. The barroom is not for quitters.