The Hurdle

Posted on August 21, 2007 in Mania Sorrow & Regret

For me, it’s the forgetting of all the shames. Those irritate me more than the times when I was misunderstood and villified for no good cause, when I was made to take more than my share of the blame for a social conflagration. All the times when I shot my mouth off and bewildered people make me ache. My therapist reviews these with me and concludes that I hurt no one, but I continue to dread the feelings I left in other souls, the misapprehensions about my states of mind and motives. I have seen myself maligned and diabolized for things I said when I wasn’t in mania, so it seems natural to stand aghast of what dark fantasies the mind that is not mine can invent based on the confusions of my manias.

I have lived for nearly fifty years. For forty seven of those, I went undiagnosed. My conscience takes on many guilts, each engraved in lead.

[tags]bipolar disorder, mania, shame, guilt, sorrow & regret, sorrow, regret[/tags]