This is What You Live With

Posted on December 30, 2008 in Bipolar Disorder Stigma

Defined by Disease? on 12seconds.tv

When these things come out of the blue, you never know if it is something real or based on the teller’s ((Is accuser a better word?)) personal situation. My wife, my real life friends, see no such thing. As the video says, what I have been hearing about is “letting it out more, not being so withdrawn, so safe”. So I’ve experimented with Twitter, 12 Seconds, etc. Sought my niche. And as I do, I get told “Oh, you’re going manic.”

But stop, an inner voice says. You spent the evening with several people who knew what mania was. In a group where people are accustomed to pulling one another aside and warning them, no one said a thing. That’s a bit of evidence you should be taking into account. Your wife has not given you pained eyes or asked you when your next psychiatric appointment is. One person said “Hey, I think you are losing it.” How well do they know you, really? Can you really know anyone over fiber-optic cables?

So I decide to be watchful, but not concerned. When I am manic, I tend to see mania in everyone else and blame my moods on them. I am not doing this. There are people in mania (by their report) and they are not annoying me as they would when the high spirits overtake me. The majority of people I see are fine. Some are a little lonely.

The next thing I watch for is orderliness of thoughts. I’m not jumping around from idea to idea except when answering more than one person at a time.

Third, how do I respond to arguments? Can I let them go? Yes. I have stepped away from a couple in the past two weeks. I remember them only because they are on my checklist of things to watch for. I’m not still fighting them in my head.

More of this might be settled in a walk. For a few minutes, I went out to listen to the cars passing on Santiago Canyon Road, out of my sight. Were they speeding as they passed? I hadn’t the slightest.