The Rules Rezipped

Posted on January 10, 2003 in Crosstalk

Karen Zipdrive has inspired me with yet another article, this one contrasting Canadians and Texans. I decided to add my two cents by including California perspectives on some of the same subjects. The sections in bold face are my additions. The rest may be called “unfair use”:

In Canada, the rules are a set of standards that ensure order, civility and peace.

In Texas, the rules are challenges to be circumvented or surmounted at every opportunity.

In California, the rules are meant largely to keep Texan emigres under control. If pulled over by the CHP, the proper question to ask is “Hey, why are you picking on me?“

Speeding:

When a sign says 70 MPH, I take that to mean in the slow lane, at night, in rainy or icy conditions, with deer all over the highway.

In Canada, they’ll do 68 just to make sure they don’t offend police officers who are kind enough to be manning the highways, ensuring safety and tranquility.

In California, 70 mph is a guideline, to be followed in hazardous conditions or when your BMW throws a rod.

Noise:

In Canada, neighbors keep their stereos at quiet volumes so the noise does not penetrate their walls.

In Texas, if a neighbor’s music is disturbing me, I aim my speakers out the window and put on Jimi Hendrix or opera at a level that tests my speakers’ durability.

In California, we use headphones and destroy our hearing.

Flags:

The Texas flag has a lone star on it, meaning we are the star of the United States.

The Canadian flag has a cute little red maple leaf on it.

The California flag features the now extinct California Grizzly, a red star, and the words “California Republic”. We celebrate the bear by visiting nude beaches, the star by allowing leftists to actually win the occasional political office, and the “Republic” part by having elections in which your vote actually means something.

Legal/Illegal:
Texans can carry concealed weapons, legally.

Canadians sew little Canadian flags on their backpacks, so nobody will feel threatened.

Californians use drugs illegally, but think they should be legal.

Liquor:

Texans have drive through liquor stores.

Canadians sell their booze through government-owned stores.

Californians buy pot from the guy down the street.

Verbal punctuation:

In Canada, they end sentences with “eh”?

In Texas, we end sentences with “get it?”

In California, we just end our sentences. (Surfers say “For sure”.).

Some Californian terminology:

Canadian: A nice guy/woman/person

Wealthy Canadian: Business prospect

Texan: Asshole/Texas asshole/Asshole from Texas

Wealthy Texan: Asshole with oil money

Californian:
If born in the state: Native.

If born in other state west of the Rockies: Almost a Native

If born in Plains, Texas, the Deep South, Phoenix, or southern New Mexico: Asshole from Texas
Otherwise: New Yorker

I welcome trackbacks with other, localized versions. Rebuttals from Canadians welcome. Texans will be ignored.

Note: This Californian is a teetotaler. But that’s cool, too, you know?