Pickle Juice All Over Me

Posted on January 26, 2003 in Blogging

I don’t know how I rated the “You’re So Much Smarter Than Me
or What Does That Word Mean?” award from Pickle Juice, but having watched others accept honors that they didn’t deserve with the greatest of grace, I bow and accept from Natalie who does not strike me as any stupider than I am:

Anyone in my family can tell you that I am not nearly as smart as Lynn, my co-winner Artichoke Heart, or anyone else for that matter. I stopped running races pleasing bosses, and kissing up to powerful people long ago: I just do my own thing. Nothing annoys me more than someone who tries to compete with me. I outdo the hare and just sit at the starting line, refusing to go.

Truth be told, I was once screened for mental retardation after a very boring math teacher who thought himself an expert on such children challenged my “mentally gifted” status. I’ve dreamed of becoming so famous that when I show up back in my hometown he comes to claim credit for my achievement. And the dream ends, of course, with me telling the crowd what a useless jerk he was and how he contributed to stultifying my self-confidence for years to come.

I detested him because he was learning pre-Algebra as we did. He surrounded himself with a few butt kissers whose intelligence he praised. One of them taught her little brother to call me “‘tarded” whenever he saw me. Such a nice girl, eh? It’s funny how adults don’t see the treachery of the ass kissers whose only thought is to get an “A” in a course.

With my luck, old Yarling is probably dead, but if I can get off my behind, perhaps, I can name an especially self-important character after him.