Armadillo

Posted on January 31, 2003 in Creatures Crosstalk

I’m jealous. chari’s got an armadillo in her backyard. I want an armadillo.

The little fellow gave himself away by turning her garden into a scene very much like the neighborhoods between the lines at the battle of the Somme. She’s resolved to deport him to other parts instead of sending him down to Kitty Colditz, shooting him, putting out poison for him, or turning him into a fur-lined mask like I saw at the market outside the Templo Mayor.

Get rid of him?! I gasp. I’d give anything for an armadillo in my yard. California may be a more pleasant place filled with people who can count than in than Florida, but they have one up on us when it comes to wildlife. Armadillos are only the beginning: manatees, alligators, and walking catfish also come to pay their respects to homeowners. I get squirrels, coyotes, racoons, a skunk who flings his mace like Karen Zipdrive, opossums, and a mountain lion who does a wide swing around the subdivision in a quest for tasty victuals like toddlers who have wandered unattended into the adjoining wilderness park. They say we might have ringtails and coatis, too, but I have never seen either of them. (For the record, I only saw the skunk once, but he’s declared his presence olafactorily many times.)

I wonder what ways chari could find to live with the armadillo? Do they have armadillo feeding stations that you can pack with fresh mealworms? I envision her putting out a litter box that she fills every night with a few jumbos and sand (to make his life interesting). Perhaps this would kill his impulse to dig elsewhere. chari could become famous as the founder of an authentic armadillo sanctuary where enthusiasts such as myself flock to observe the tiny critters shuffling about.

To make it really feel like home, she could put a strip of asphalt and paint two yellow lines down the middle. Don’t worry: this is perfectly safe as long as no one drives on it.

Ah, chari. The possibilities are endless. Can’t we keep it?

Apologies to Jim Hightower who said “There’s nothing in the middle of the road except yellow stripes and dead armadillos.”