Falling in Love All the Time

Posted on July 20, 2002 in Sexuality

A few years ago I had to confess the truth to the Empress: I was falling in love all the time. No. It’s not what you think. I wasn’t having affairs or even thinking about the possibility. She understood and she accepts. It took a little explaining, but I got it through to her that our marriage wasn’t in trouble nor was I advocating any kinky alternative lifestyles. I just had this habit of meeting women online who I really liked. I also met a few in real life who I developed deep feelings for. Lynn is still number one and will always be number one. I’m not as stupid as the Piltdown Man after all. (He was a bona fide no brainer.)

The way I wing it is like this: when I fall in love I realize that what appeals to me most is that the woman has a mind that I like. Cyber, I have observed, tends to get you into a lot of emotional trouble. Anyone who says that the InterNet isn’t “real” has never cybered with a lover or, at very least, witnessed the depth such relationships can have. I advise against cyber. Emotional wounds hurt. Besides, most cybernauts write pretty boring material. I’ve known people to write macros that repeat the same move over and over again. Once when I was refereeing an online roleplaying game, a woman hit the wrong button by mistake. The scene started to play out interestingly to say the least.

Then there are the guys who like to pretend they are women so that they can have sex with other guys or with lesbians. Sometimes I found out who these were. They weren’t ashamed of it in the least. It was funny, however, when two men who pretended to be lesbians found each other and went at it without knowing that the other was a guy.

I don’t cyber. And I don’t arrange rendeavous, at least not with women, without my wife also being included in the invitation and the meeting taking place in a public place. Just about every woman who gets friendly with me meets my wife sooner or later. I don’t think it is a very friendly gesture to have any kind of sex with a person and then put them into the position where they have to lie about it, especially to the cheated-on spouse.

Many of my friends are looking for someone. I watch every day and hope that they will find someone. I’ve seen some hopeless romances like the time this woman left her husband to pursue a free life only to discover that the guy she’d decided she loved wasn’t interested. She also hooked up with at least one married man without my scruples. Believe me from Day One with that woman I made it clear that I was a happily married man. The last I heard was that she moved across the Eurasian continent to join a fellow in Australia. That makes me happy for her.

To tell a secret, I like dykes. They make some of the best online friends that I have. They’re funny, often intelligent, and they aren’t trying to bed me. Part of the problem these days is that I have been taking Prozac for so many years that I just don’t feel the physical attraction any more. Plus I’m married. So lesbians make terrific friends when they aren’t of the kind who distrust every last man they meet. Those I avoid.

I have some hetero female friends, too. And I love them all. But when you marry a truly wonderful woman like Lynn, you must keep your head. You can go with the swell of emotion and be extremely tender towards another woman but you must avoid the erotic. Lynn’s been feeding me since 1992 when the last company I worked for closed its doors and I started pretending to be a full-time writer. You don’t dump a friend who has stuck through depression, life-threatening asthmatic attacks, the complete reconstruction of your mouth, and a transition to a diabetic-friendly diet. No.

The way I handle other woman is to be clear about my marital status, avoid sexual language (though sometimes when there is heavy flirting going on in a channel, one can slip into it unconsciously), and encourage the friend. I’ve learned to be very happy when one of my friends finds a lover or a spouse. When the lover or spouse gets sick, I often find myself worrying for the friend, too. I think that’s a good sign.

The only worry I have is that some female (as happens from time to time) will try to crack me. This is more than a little annoying. I once stopped one such woman cold by quoting her private messages to me on the channel. It was a hoot. More usually, however, I just set the person to /ignore. It also helps to avoid channels like #sex, #BDSM, #adultery, etc. I do wish the women who are seeking men well, but I’m out of the market. Besides, I’m 44 years OLD, I have a lively beard (not mere facial hair as some think “cool”), hair on my shoulders, an outie navel, a slightly bloated midriff, three cats, asthma, diabetes, major depression, large dental bills, and a spouse. Believe me. I make a great FRIEND.