Manic Introversion

Posted on June 15, 2010 in Hope and Joy Mania

The excesses of impulse that characterize most manias do not apply to me most of the time I am in episode. Thoughts stream through my head. Incredible schemes surge across the two hemispheres of my brain. I keep these to myself, sure that if others see them they would prevent me from realizing my dreams. I know that I mad but I am curious to see where it will take me. It exalts. It enthralls. It feels better than any narcotic I have been prescribed and superior to alcohol and marijuana. I call this secret state of mind my manic introversion.

Corrolary to this is this principle: the fewer people I feel accountable toward, the better I feel. I don’t feel the pressure of Brahma with his many faces — a nexus of truths and lies calculated to protect my vulnerability.

The lying isn’t sociopathic but an impulse to conceal that I am dashing off set, hiding from the inquisitions of those around me. Trusted people can make me admit it, even when the mania rages. It’s best to hide during my episodes so I don’t have to be Brahma the polymorphous deva of creation or the madly dancing Shiva, Lord of the Beasts — just a man.