Jammed Lens and its Aftermath

Posted on July 27, 2010 in Anxiety Mania Photography

Last week had its difficulties. I dropped my new camera on the Harding Trail and jammed the zoom lens. The ring allowing me to move between focal lengths wouldn’t turn below 35mm. The autofocus motor whined without acting. Upper Modjeska Canyon heard my yells of frustration. In my solitude, I shouted at uncomfortable memories, the kind of behavior you expected of the homeless. The rest of us, including me, kept to the confines of our homes, lonely trails, and the interior of our cars when driving places. I marked it an evil day.

The following day I marked some troubling signs on my dailybooth account:

I’m feeling on the edge of an episode, perhaps a manic rather than a depressive one.The signs are varied, but lately I have noticed these:

1.) Light-headedness or the feeling that my head is going to explode.

2.) Increasingly late and troubled sleep.

3.) A fascination with bright colors like the red of stoplights or brake lights. They just seem more vivid — a warning sign.

4.) An impatience with people whose faults I would ordinarily forgive or ignore.

5.) Being confused about what day it is.

The next few days may reveal more symptoms or these may subside. If the urges grow too strong and I can’t contain my impulsivity, it may be time to surrender the credit cards to my wife and stay close to home.

It’s more than take the meds or meditate or exercise or eat right — I do all these things. The main thing is to steel myself to ride it out: it could be over in a few days or a few weeks. I just have to hold fast to my rational state of mind, to let my logical, compassionate being take charge while my emotions seethe. ((Several people commented with encouragement. I posted a link to What helps, what hurts to assist them in talking to people going through the stress of an episode.))

I wondered if I should push people away, keep to a strict solitude. A particularly aggressive woman on dailybooth (or so she was magnified in my head) irritated me to the point that I sent her a private message asking her to leave me alone. “I’ll ignore you,” I said. “Please ignore me.” ((I don’t like aggressive women. But then I don’t like aggressive men either. One of my problems when I was younger was that I kept looking for a passive woman who would make the first move. I settled for one who was more assertive.)) She acquiesced.

Subsequent days brought me peace. I sent the lens out for an estimate and stopped taking photos with any kind of device until my rage settled. The mania rose and subsided. In my journal I noted “Anxiety is the root.”