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Category: Uncertainty

The War Inside

Posted on June 6, 2017 in Depression Silicon Valley Uncertainty Writing Exercises

I still wonder if I did the right thing, if I did any good in the world.

Edison Trail

Posted on October 19, 2013 in Encounters Hiking Mountain Lions Prose Arcana Recent Uncertainty

square815Death showed me one of its faces here, where the dust holds a track until the next strong wind. The sun did not warm me on that day. The cold chewed on my hands and dusk shoved the light aside to make way for the darkness. A clump of toyon bushes stood at the high point of the hike. I stopped at the sound of their branches cracking as a mountain lion hefted itself out of the shrubs and landed on the dirt road in front of me. We two stared at each other for an endless second before the cougar bounded away, his paws pounding the ground as he fled. I did not follow. Now when I go there, I look to the source of every rustle of the leaves, every shake of the branches, every whisper of the grass. This is uncertain country.

Note: Two months later, this same cougar slew one biker and mauled another. The incident made the national news.

Bipolar Cancer Husband No. 2

Posted on June 26, 2012 in Anxiety Cancer Diary Cats Dogs Uncertainty

I must confess that I still feel a little selfish when I remind people that I am under stress — perhaps more stress than Lynn.

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Relentless Self-Examination & the Loss of Genuineness

Posted on April 20, 2011 in Bipolar Disorder OCD Reflections Spirituality and Being Uncertainty

When they happen, I am a slave not to society, but to an odd sense of self.

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Tired Pity

Posted on April 7, 2010 in Bipolar Disorder Morals & Ethics Sorrow & Regret Uncertainty

square647Every day, nearly, I meet a disturbed person, either online, in a support group, or, rarely, out in the world. The easiest, for me, are the hurt and disappointed by love: in their desperation the good in me can reach out and encourage them to pay no attention to the absence of affection in their life, to live life and know that they are likely to meet another. Harder are those who are suicidal, but not impossible. A good ear helps.

The worst for me are those whose lives are undeniably, completely screwed up either by an addiction which is killing them or codependency. It becomes clear that they are addicted to the drama in their lives — to the products of their highs and lows. Often these possess unacknowledged mood disorders. They will talk to you at length about the disaster that is their life. And you find that there is absolutely nothing you can say because being in the place you are — maybe a happy marriage, temporary financial security, a house free of dangerous family members or other violent residents — places you almost in affront. To these you listen and say nothing. They’re as difficult as the people who sometimes show up in a support group, whose manias spill over and flood the room.

I feel left only with only a tired pity. I suspect they hate me for it.

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The World Turned Right Side Up

Posted on October 23, 2008 in Anxiety Campaign 2008 Depression Uncertainty

square495At the British surrender at Yorktown, the band played “The World Turned Upside Down”. Then as now a transfer of power took place. Certainly among the Americans — many of whom had been fighting for years — there must have been a difficult period: how do you go from being a warrior to a citizen? There were issues to be resolved such as the status of those who had supported the British, but nothing was so important and devastating to the morale of those men as the question of how to be in this new world.

The rush of history has my mind put in a blender for reconstitution. For the last several years — dating from before Bush became president — progressives have been staving off hateful attacks from the right. They are at their worst today: we are accused of being unpatriotic, of not loving our country. It’s the whole Bush Adminstration plus the Clinton impeachment concentrated into a bitter slushee that we are forced to swallow.

I have watched as some of the more sensitive of those on the Obama side have devolved into one of three moods: anxiety, depression, and grandiosity. The anxiety is easy to understand: the election is not yet won and the Republicans have been filling our ears and eyes with false information and character assassinations. If they can’t steal the election, they have been engaging in shenanigans designed to narrow the gap so the Democrats can’t claim a mandate for change. We are just not there yet.

Likewise, the grandiosity is easy to understand. We’re about to win, it seems, and win big. Therefore we are the best people in the world, chosen by God or the Universe or common sense. We know everything, can solve everything. So these among us stand on pedestals and lecture our peers on the way it is going to be. Doggoneit, they say, we have the key to convincing the most diehard Republicans to join us. We are unstoppable.

I figure I’ll just have to live with that for a few years. Believe me, it will be as insufferable for a few of we progressives as well as the defeated right, if for different reasons. Reality will click in and these will either come to walk with the rest of us on or fall into the ennui from listening to their own voices without insight.

Which brings us to depression. How can that be afflicting progressives at a time like this? I’ll tell you: first, the anxiety wears us down. Exhaustion claims us. So we lose all pleasure, all sense of accomplishment. There is also, second, the exhaustion of feeling obligated to answer every attack slung out by the McCain/Palin machine.

The third cause of depression stems from uncertainty. Now that we are about to win, what kind of political personality are we going to adopt? Since the late 90s, that has been one that constantly attacks the failed and repulsive premises of the neoconservatives. It’s been fun, but soon, with responsibility, that fun is going to stop. The problem with Republican rule is that it has been so founded on negativism, it failed to create positive institutions or freedoms. The same must not be allowed to happen in a Democratic era — though we may wisely be ready to fend off attacks as we strive to solve the crises that the Bush Administration has left behind. But change in political power is going to mean change in our attitudes. We are going to have to become compromisers, optimists. And some folks are as unready to make that change as Palin is to be vice president.

I am taking the following steps to mind my spiritual transition. First, for the duration of the election, I am keeping my consumption of television news to a minimum, which means I’m not watching it in my home and avoiding it outside. All the bells and whistles of your typical television news screen agitate me. The reporters spout out opinions. Inside their opinions are little assumptions that eat at me like acid.

Second, I am making time to do things that are fun. Walking the dog. Going to the beach. Relaxing with good books. Taking pictures and looking over what I have done previously.

Third, I am sharing every bit of positive news I can find. I am also seeking out news that is not about the election, funny videos, etc.

Fourth, I’ve made myself a promise: when and if Obama wins — yes, I am sticking to the conditional at this moment — I am going out to buy a new American flag and hang it outside to celebrate that I am once again included in this country.

The world will be turned upside down which means right side up for the first time since Ronald Reagan took office in 1980. That is something to cheer for, something to shed the shackles of low moods for. Yet, after the cheering, must come reality. This vote is not about making every man a king, every woman a queen, but about becoming citizens instead of serfs. The notion to come is equality, which is about dignity. That will have to be reforged in the new fires of an unexpected community.

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Compliance and Complaint

Posted on October 17, 2007 in Psychotropics Uncertainty

square380A brief article at John Gale’s Mental Health Update notes that older psychiatric patients are more likely to take their meds than younger ones:

A study of 32,991 people in the U.S. compared adherence to antipsychotic medication in older (over 60) and younger patients with bipolar disorder. The researchers found that among the older group 61% were fully adherent, 19% were partially adherent and 20% were non-adherent compared to 49.5%, 21.8% and 28.7% respectively for the younger patients.

One wonders about the possible reasons for this trend.

  1. Those who fight compliance the most may not be alive by the time that they are sixty due to suicide or self-negligence.
  2. Older people may live in nursing homes where they are given their meds every day.
  3. People learn from experience if they survive long enough.

Articles like this remain in the back of my mind as I read accounts of people in episode who won’t take meds (yes, there are more than one going through this right now) around the blogging world. There’s not much you can do when someone doesn’t want to do the drugs: it’s more important to reduce your own stressors and keep to your own program. (Oh God. I’m sounding like a Toastmaster!) While I do not know the full circumstances of each and every person going through the combined traumas of memory and chemical imbalance, I do know that years of talk therapy did not help me. Going it alone isolated me, worsened my condition. The thing that eased the pain in the end was allowing a psychiatrist to work with me, to develop a chemical and psychotherapeutic answer.

But I feel sad, very sad, when I see people in obvious torment, screaming about conspiracies against them or about their suspicions of psychiatrists. Each has her or his own cheering section of supporters who will tell them that they are doing the right thing. I can do nothing for them. My hands are full. My own life needs saving from the disease and from the world.

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Therapy

Posted on September 17, 2007 in Anxiety Uncertainty

Anyone else come out of a therapy session feeling that because something was nobody’s fault it’s all your fault?

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These Worst of Deadening Times

Posted on September 12, 2007 in Festivals Terrorism Uncertainty

9/11 begins with the personal — and especially with the direct human loss of individual lives — and expands outward from there to the broader ramifications for the world and its geopolitical landscape.

In the centre of that meaning, at the personal end of the spectrum, I find feelings about loss (of loved ones), about heroism (of those who rose to the occasion to help their fellow human beings), and about the nuances of human psychology which lead one being to seek the harm of another being, sometimes on a grand scale. As I move outward toward the broader ramifications for the world and its geopolitical landscape, however, it all becomes blurrier and hazier and rather more circumspect. I feel as if I can make observations about events apparently directly related to the attacks, but imbuing those with some sort of meaning, or ordering them with some sort of organising principles, or finding general rule-of-thumb heuristics to help them make sense, seems much more difficult.

I suppose that is why I feel the needle on my skeptic-o-meter wiggling when I hear someone — usually a politician — referring to the “post-9/11 world”. The phrase is typically used to distinguish what we do or believe now from what we did or believed before the event, and very often with a sort of rationalizing flavour to it — e.g., we’re doing this or that now because it is a “post-9/11 world”. We’re limiting civil liberties because we have to, in a “post-9/11 world”; or we’re stepping up our military interventions in other countries because we ought to, in a “post-9/11 world”; or we’re starting to set aside our own system of law and our own judiciary because it’s expedient to do so, in a “post-9/11 world”.

But it isn’t clear to me that we even share a single concept of the meaning of the phrase ‘post-9/11′, let alone share a concept of that meaning that could be used to rationalize or justify much of anything.

Dr Greg Mulhauser

square350There seemed to be a lot of obligatoriness in the way we commemorated 9/11 yesterday. Very few bloggers chose to put up remembrances. Sally told me, in a comment on her blog, how hard pressed she was to find an image of the pain from the disaster that did not flash politics in your eye. Elsewhere, Dr. Deb Serani led a remembrance of lives unknown. Everyone, but me, said they were sad. I declared that I was angry.

With this new name for the occasion — Patriot’s Day — I wonder if we have finally reduced the horror to a bore?

I can’t say that other people don’t feel sad about the day. From my own struggles with mental illness, I have learned that there is no way to show other people the ache in your brain. That’s why we bipolars do things like run naked down streets, break computer keyboards over our knees (and our knees with them), or draw the outline of our veins using a razor blade — we want to show people something. But with the formalization of Nine Eleven by both the wRong and the Left — as stuffy national holiday or day of protest — we’ve drained the milestone of all that might have furthered our humanity and humanness.

It started right after the event itself when most people allowed themselves to see the catastrophe over and over again on their television screens. I think one of the things that singled me out from the rest of people — and consequently put me in a nineeleventowers.jpgsocial void — was that after that first day, I didn’t see the repeats because I don’t have cable. Unseen, the repetition could not reduce me to a robot of few emotions. I could step away from the images and ask, using my peculiar educational history, what was happening on a whole. I remembered the times before the attacks when [[George W. Bush]] was rightly distrusted and I remember saying to others “Don’t give this man a blank check.” I used that exact phrase over and over again. What I meant was put strict limits on what was to be done and before any changes in the policy could be made, ask for responsible and reputable information. The emotions of those days caused people to say “We must do everything!” And that, I dare say, has led us to torture and a war in a desert that doesn’t want us. We needed to set limits and to honor the wise ones that had be set forth before.

The whole thing reminded me of a funeral director using pressure and a hard sell to get a poor widow to sign on the line even though an expensive funeral would in no way relieve her grief. (No study unfinanced by the funeral industry has ever drawn this conclusion.) I sat in the politics chat rooms, listened to people going crazy. No one took the time to just be sad. And a lot of people were calling me a traitor because I did not endorse extreme measures. I wanted this handled like a police investigation where the final object was the truth, the actual facts. Six years later, I am sad that that hasn’t been done, that [[Osama Bin Laden]] remains free to taunt us.

We should have just been sad. It is a disgrace that we’re just getting around to that now. I felt sad after Nine Eleven. People found the roof over their heads and the floor beneath their feet cascading into the firey breath of the morning. I felt sad when I heard about a news crew going to Israel and getting some Palestinian children to cheer by giving them candy. I felt sad for the dead and for the dead to come. What I felt was a complete loss of control over the destiny of my country, an inability to have my argument with the Mortician-in-Chief be heard. No, we do not need the stainless steel coffin, Sir. We need to concentrate on the family finances, make sure that the future is cared for.

Time is needed to be able to describe what went through my brain. Time to take in the professed sadness and the more profound disinterest in the day. I felt the first programmed — the words just too easy to say and not have to defend — and the second downright appalling. How could no one feel about Nine Eleven and the everything that came after, the supposed world that had been changed? I marked higher temperatures, another stolen election, and continued resistance to the idea that the nation and its media were in need of reform. Everything was set into place by the time Nine Eleven happened and the expected occurred: artificial lines were drawn between patriots and “the rest of us”. Any discussion of what to do that did not include all out war was registered as either fanatical or coddling terrorism.

I had read [[Franz Fanon|Franz Fanon’s]] The Wretched of the Earth. From this I knew that what the terrorists really wanted was a reaction, a big reaction like a war, that would draw in new recruits just as Israel’s occupation of the [[West Bank]] created new recruiting opportunities for suicide bombers. “We don’t want to be bin Laden’s ally,” I said. No matter how stridently I said this, I kept getting called “a friend of terrorists”.

Now with legacy of our histrionics being the eddies of conflict in Iraq and new frontiers for [[Al Qaeda]], many people have just lost the energy to care.

The lack of feeling or the presence of sharply deligned, almost programmed feeling is the tragedy of Nine Eleven. [[Norman Mailer]] said in an interview that he thought the most appalling thing Hitler wreaked on the Jews was a lasting sense of religious zealotry that caused Jews to lose the dispassion for which they’d been known for as scholars, theologians, and philosophers. The greatest thing bin Laden has wreaked on us is a hole of indifference in which blind patriots can scream and be heard. When we don’t let our emotions inform — rather than enthrall — our thinking and our thinking question our emotions, we become slaves of ennui and lose the compassion that can carry us through these worst of deadening times.

Nine Eleven: it means that there’s a national emergency underway. Our skeptic-o-meters should be screaming. Loudly, finally.

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Sweet Maryjane is a Bitch

Posted on August 7, 2007 in Addictions Bipolar Disorder College Uncertainty

square308The news that marijuana increases the risk of psychosis does not surprise me. I believe that my first episode was ignited by the coals that burned in the bowl of a bong, coupled with a few sadists who used my altered state as an opportunity to [[brainwashing|brainwash]] me into a neat little [[paranoia]].

In those days the word in the dorm hallways was that [[marijuana]] was a harmless high, a belief that has persisted into this century. Students who avoided alcohol would smoke a joint. Psychology professors would add a disclaimer for it when they discussed illegal drugs. Word was that it was safe. I knew from my own experience that it wasn’t, that it twisted my equanimity into paranoia and forced me to live through a strange aeon of despair. But my insistance that the hype was wrong, that it had done damage to my brain and upset my state of mind were dismissed. I avoided those who even talked about it.

My war stories about the drug come from my Sophomore year in college, mostly, though I did some before that. When I filled out my form for my first roommate, I asked for a nonsmoker. My roommate filled up a hash pipe. When I challenged him, he said “Well, this isn’t tobacco.”

I fell for that line. The next year, I became so involved that I sometimes showed up to classes stoned. After the incident where a guy used my suggestibility to torment me, I entered my Stonewall Period where I did not talk to people who used drugs. Some months after the incident, I ran into one of the fellows. I just walked past. “Oh, so you’re still sulking over that,” he said.

I believe that my first serious psychoses were triggered by that little experiment. My girlfriend at the time was a psychology major: she thought that my fear of pot was excessive. And I have to say that given the context of the time, it was. Everyone said that pot couldn’t hurt you. I felt that it had. I went beyond this, however, to believe that anyone who even mentioned the words marijuana, pot, joint, or the name of any other drug was Evil, that they wanted to tempt me into drug use. There seemed to be a grand cosmic conspiracy to torment me. So I was paranoid but the basis of the paranoia wasn’t wrong: pot could really fuck up your brain.

I still remember a few incidents that came out of the highs. My most memorable was a vision I had on Thai Stick when I saw several levels of Buddhas, one on top of the other, endlessly up into space. When I read about a similar vision that a Buddhist monk had several years later, I was not surprised. Hours of meditation, I have since learned, can invoke similar effects. I had been reading a great deal of [[Buddhism]] back then and even though I had never read of this before, the threads were there to weave a tapestry like that of the monk.

To save myself, I chose a life barren of joy and fun interaction with others. This, I believe, compounded my illness. The scariest incident that arose occurred when I was working in the library between semesters. I developed the belief that the world wasn’t real, that I could predict the next thing someone would say. Now I suspect that my brain had neatly bifurcated so that one part lagged behind the other. When I sought help at the school counseling center, the therapist did not even for a moment suspect psychosis but suggested that I get more to eat.

I do not doubt now that I was misserved by the ignorance of the time. Psychological residencies took place in mental hospitals where only the most severe patients were admitted. When a functioning psychotic such as himself presented himself, the disease was ignored. So, too, were the effects of that one recreational psychotropic so popular that you could all but buy it from local drug stores. Today I would not recommend anyone who had a history of family mental illness to smoke it. I wish it were as legal as tobacco or alcohol so I could sue the dealers for the damage they caused me.

But that would do little to nothing to heal the bitterness I feel towards those who denied that smoking pot had anything to do with the miasma into which I was propelled afterwards, who rebutted on tenuous grounds the experience of my own brain.

[tags]bipolar disorder, marijuana, psychosis, psychotics, college, drug-use, drug abuse, mental illness, Thai stick, addiction, addictions[/tags]

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The White Dunes

Posted on June 20, 2007 in Bipolar Disorder PTSD Uncertainty

I would give my life to have a life again

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Ogres and Monsters

Posted on June 7, 2007 in Myths & Mysticism Reflections Uncertainty

So Maggs wants to know how I am….

square284The hero’s journey, we are told by [[Joseph Campbell]] and others, involves a place where one encounters monsters. By monsters, I mean creatures which do not eat the person. I’d love to meet some monsters in my life, but all I run into on this line are ogres. Ogres grind your bones for their bread. They pose no special challenges other than dodging their clubs. They are boring in the extreme if sometimes histrionic. You win no special prizes for meeting up with ogres because they are banal and all around us.

A few months past my life was filled with ogres who told me that I shouldn’t use my blog for exploring my feelings. I was put on trial, told that I was insane. The strange part is that my therapist seems to feel that I am in better command of my feelings than many. (If she only knew?) My writing, she feels, is a way out of the box canyon where the ogres reside. Ogres don’t want to know about feelings other than drunkenness and control.

I wish I had a [[Scylla]] or a [[Sphinx]] to challenge me instead of mediocre spirit bruisers.

[tags]uncertainty,frustration,myth,mythic creatures,self-knowledge,identity[/tags]

You can always check here.

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