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Posted on June 19, 2015 in Agitation Mania

square896The whole business in Charleston has brought me out of my equilibrium and into the high, holy state of mania. The signs are clear: a brilliantly clear feeling of energy, combativeness, difficulty dealing with difficult people, the color red seems unusually intense, and a slight shaking that no one can see but I can sense. More correctly, this is a hypomania because I have not launched into paranoia — though I intellectually appreciate that my neighbors will not take kindly to my living with this illness, I do not think they are reading my mind or seeing through its invisibility; nor do I feel that I am indispensable, a great gift to humanity.

I posted a photo to Instagram identifying my face as that of mania. One friend replied, “You look ordinary”. “Yes, that is the point. I have an invisible disease.”

People won’t be forgiving and I won’t ask for forgiveness. Instead, I will do the best I can to contain this aspect of The Beast and avoid doing harm with my words. I will forgive those who do not or will not understand, but I know I cannot trust them.

Will this last more than a day or two? Will despair follow? I don’t know. I have taken a Xanax to bring my mood into a gentler place, separated myself from my computer for short intervals, made a plan to take a walk tomorrow and on Sunday. Lynn is taking me to the support group tonight. I have made myself walk away from Internet quarrels. I have taken notes for a video about mixed states. My head is low to the ground and I am moving slowly in all things.

This episode reminds me that I am my illness in the sense that my illness expresses itself as me. Yet I am also many other things: I don’t define myself as this one aspect.

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