Breakthrough Episode

Posted on June 28, 2015 in Exuberance Mania Psychotropics Rage & Annoyance

Mania scored my consciousness in steep peaks and troughs that never descended into depression the last two weeks. I got into arguments and I loved them too well. It was easy to laugh and the laughter fed itself. I quoted scripture at my opponents, both religious and secular. The color red seemed especially intense. Once I thought I saw someone run across the hall when I was alone in the house.

I thought I had an easy answer that I also feared: my Vyvanse had pushed me up beyond my normal humor. But when I went to take the little yellow capsules out of my lineup for the week, I discovered that I had not been taking them! So the psycho-stimulant was not guilty.

What was causing me to erupt? I didn’t know for sure, but I knew what I had to do. I took an extra Xanax to force myself into several extra hours of sleep, avoided sites that pricked my optical nerves with shimmering and pulsing light, and meditated.

The only factor I could count was, perhaps, the longer duration of the days at Solstice time. Or maybe my carbamazepine was starting to fail me? I hope not.

This is why I live in fear of my illness, even after years of treatment. You think you have The Beast sealed under a layer of concrete, but the covering proves to be no stronger than a sheet that The Beast rips and tears when it feels like rousing itself.

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One of the worst things about bipolar disorder is that way that good ideas and sound observations are discounted by others because you conceived them during mania. I was not writing gibberish these past two weeks. I stand by the stands that I made. But I am sure that others will write the ideas and me off for them.