An Apology Explained

Posted on August 26, 2003 in Crosstalk Ettiquette Sexuality

It may seem that Shelley Powers caught herself in a contradiction when she includes a link featuring this picture and says:

Rageboy has discovered my Talkback function. Now I want to know — where did he find the photo of me? It’s an old one — I have a navel ring, now.

Everyone needs a little Rageboy in their life.

Then, in response to a comment I made about a piece in which she imagines the thoughts of an attractive driver (I said that she needed to get laid) scolds:

Joel, not even in humor, giving benefit of a doubt, was that an appropriate comment to make in regards to this writing, or, frankly, to anyone’s writing.

I only disagree with Shelley on one part of this: she has no right to declare what is appropriate for another person’s blog. On the other hand, I fully support her right to declare her personal boundaries and to object when they are crossed. For that reason, I apologized.

To put this in context, I’d spent my evening at a writer’s group where the men and women commonly tease each other as I did with Shelley. One commentator said that the story of mine which was under review reminded him of Bob Dylan lyrics — where things totally unrelated appeared out of nowhere for no good reason. Another woman yelled at me because the characters didn’t act like she would have in the situation. the blue door.) A couple of people criticized me for introducing a blue door which they said had not been mentioned previously. (In my defense, after the third such claim, I pointed to the previous page where I had, in fact, mentioned (I spoke up for my story at the appropriate time.) Before the meeting, we teased each other sexually. In this group, these things are normal and acceptable.

I came home with the events of the meeting still bouncing around between my parietal bones. After midnight, I read Shelley’s blog and typed my modestly infamous response.

I don’t know exactly why Shelley found it offensive in the context of her own blatantly sexual remarks. I add that I don’t require an explanation. It suffices that Shelly announced that she found it offensive, that I had crossed her boundaries of propriety.

A chief myth about the “Sexual Revolution” is that it meant that nobody could say no to anything once they joined up. I do not concur with this. Sexual freedom means the right to decide for oneself what is and isn’t appropriate. Rare should a person or government contest these matters and only when there is demonstrable, unreconciliable harm. Just because a person has said “yes” on one occasion, it does not follow that they lose the right to say “no” on another.

For this reason, I apologize to Shelley Powers for what I said on her weblog.