Annoying Hiker Types

Posted on November 2, 2003 in Flames Hiking Humor?

In the course of my recent vacation and my journeys as a reporter for LocalHikes.com, I have compiled a list of hikers who annoy me. These have either written to me complaining about my reviews or have actually been encountered on the trail. The following is an incomplete catalogue of the types:

The Arrogant Trekker

Thinks s/he is John Muir and everyone else should be, too. Hates people who want to know about a good short local trail and those who write for them. Believes that anything under ten miles is not a hike.

The Boozer

Drinks beer when hiking. Often found dead of sunstroke, dehydration, and/or hypothermia. Thinks this is a happy death until it happens to him.

The Brat

Aged 14 and under. Thinks nature is a playground. Runs off trail, destroying vegetation. Teases animals. Throws rocks. Often spotted in a Boy Scout or Cub Scout uniform.

The Bully

Drags friends along on hikes that are beyond their capabilities. Mocks them when they cannot keep up or fall ill. Turning back is not an option. Will abandon you to your fate until s/he reaches destination and comes back.

The Clueless Whiner

Heard to remark: “I thought this would be fun! Why is it taking so long to get to the river? Why don’t they just build a road if it is such an attraction?” Related to the Unrealistic Parent.

The Cool Guy/Chick

Wants to take The Photograph which is, incidentally, like the photograph that everyone else takes. Hikes the famous trails mostly for bragging rights.

The Cutter

Does not like trails, especially switchbacks. Takes shortcuts in the places where it is likely to the most harm to the environment. A major cause of erosion.

The Destroyer

Kills rattlesnakes, spiders, lizards, etc. on sight either due to phobias or sociopathology.

The Exploiter

Is here surveying for minerals, lumber, or other natural resources. A major Bush campaign donor.

The Parent, Negligent

Accompanies and fails to restrain brats. Thinks “boys will be boys” and may encourage or join in the destruction.

The Parent, Unrealistic

Expects toilets, water fountains, and changing stations spaced at every 100 yards along the trail. May be heard to say things like “Why don’t they do something about all these bugs and bird droppings on the trail?”

The Runner

Just runs. Identifiable by speed and by the brand names prominent on all items of clothing and accessories. May or may not stop to see view.

The Rusher

Attempts to see every landmark in the vicinity in half a day or less, usually while on the road to Las Vegas. A common heart attack or heat exhaustion victim because he doesn’t pace himself, wear a hat or bring water along.

The Scaredy Cat

Heard that a mountain lion was seen in these parts twenty years ago and will not venture into the wilderness. Known to take two steps down a trail, see a stand of poison oak five feet off the path, and turn around.

The Thief

Collects fossils, rare plants, minerals, etc. in public areas where this is prohibited.

The Trooper

Marches to the destination, military style. As soon as he arrives, he turns back. No stopping to look. No point in his march except exercise. (So why doesn’t he do it at the track?)

The Unequipped Fool

Typically sees other people heading down a trail and follows them. Likes to enter deserts without a hat, water, or sunscreen. May walk half naked or in bare feet. See also The Boozer.

The Vandal

Likes to leave a record of her or himself on rock art panels and heretofore unmarked stone walls. Identifies for the ages what a jerk s/he is.