The Grand Canyon Dilemna

Posted on January 27, 2004 in Writing Groups

Sometimes a wind comes up, the hat you’re wearing goes into the Grand Canyon beyond simple retrieval. You stand there, stupidly, your hand on your head looking for your hat, trying to figure out if it is worth your time to scramble down the rim and chase after it. In the meantime, the sun is using your hair as a oven roasting bag for your brain.

Do you go after your hat or find a new one?

Situation: I don’t like to shout my critiques across the table. Other people in this group of sixteen strong (sitting in a busy bookstore cafe) can’t hear what I am saying. They interrupt me — in mid-sentence — to tell me “speak louder”. I lose my train of thought and get frustrated. I say “Don’t do that.” Sharply. “It’s not appropriate.” At the end of the group, the interruptor stands up and says that she is leaving because she cannot stand being “attacked”. Tears flowing down her cheeks. Pity to her. Scorn to me.

I count these as positives: 1.) I stood up for myself. 2.) I directed my complaints to actions (I did bring up the past some. Score one against me.) 3.) I did not jump up as I had before and shout the person down.

I keep my cool. I get pulled off to the side. I am told that I cannot speak up for myself, that I must save all conflicts until “after”.

The solution is obvious: we move to a quieter part of the store and sit in a circle where we can be closer. An elegant solution which will validate both feelings.

Which wasn’t brought up in the great blamefest.

So, nothing gets resolved. I feel that I am being asked to wear the albatross of driving this woman into her choice. I am told that I cannot speak up when I feel bullied.

Choice: stay and put up with it or leave.

So there’s my hat in the Grand Canyon.