Does God Hate Lobster?

Posted on March 7, 2004 in Crosstalk Humor? Silicon Valley

I beg to differ with Rob and Michael Bowen. They have been seduced by a false doctrine. The Beatific Vision does not despise shellfish and the other creatures mentioned in Leviticus 11 and Deuteronomy 14. God loves these creatures.

This was revealed to me by a Talmudic scholar who I met while I sat with a sick rabbit by the name of Ernestine Thunderpaws in a veterinarian’s waiting room. This gentleman who wore a fullblown red beard and all the satorial trappings of his sect attempted to befriend my bunny. She was suspicious, having heard from another rabbit that there were people who wanted to eat her.

This did not faze the rabbinical candidate. He smiled gently and murmured “Don’t worry. You’re a protected animal. I can’t eat you. You are beloved of God and protected by His Law.”

The same chapters which forbid the Chosen People from eating rabbits also mention shrimp, lobsters, and other shellfish. God, the Divine Game Warden, evidentally wants to ensure a longlasting future supply of shellfish; camels; birds of prey; rock hyraxes; hoopoes; jackdaws; storks; herons; sea gulls (thank God!); bats; ravens; insects that crawl on all fours other than crickets, locusts, and grasshoppers (go figure); reptiles; and, of course, swine of the cloven-hooved variety.

Be fruitful and multiply! God said to these creatures. And so it must be with you. Eat not of the Shrimp because it is loved by Your Creator. Read your Bible.

---

For the record, I am a sinner of the worst sort. Last night at Marie Callendar’s I had the Baby Back Ribs and Shimp special. Shame on me!

---

For those who wish to show their love for shellfish in an entirely unplatonic way, there is Prawnography.