Parings

Posted on September 19, 2002 in Fact-Dropping OCD Psychotropics

I guess we’re all coming out of the closet now. A few days ago I confessed to the ugly habit of picking the skin from my fingers. kd revealed in my comments that she pulls her hair. I don’t know that I can claim the credit, but yesterday Jaded Ju asserted that she’s a compulsive nail biter. A particular viscious one from her description because she writes that “the forefinger of my right hand looks like it was crushed by a hammer.”

I allow my nails to grow to different lengths. It’s not unusual to see a thumbnail clipped to look like a skinhead while a middle finger sports long whitish bangs. Pretty soon the long ones reach for keys beyond the ones that I want to press, especially when I’m using the laptop. I have a couple of nail clippers that migrate and nest in obscure places. If I can’t find them or if a nail has broken in mid-typing, I use my teeth to tear it off. I don’t do this for the cheap energy thrill that makes rainbow strike the keys that spell “Oh my!” in my comments. This is a purely utilitarian pruning. I also use my teeth to pull those sharp thorns of skin that develop along side my fingernails. I throw the finger nail parings away, but eat the bits of skin.

I don’t recycle my toe nails. They perish when I notice that they have become uncomfortably curled or the protruding edge of the big toe starts banging into doors when I take a calculated step too near to the danger. Nails go in the trash. And if a cat happens to be near when I am whittling my thin little bits of phalangal horn, I grab her and remove the tips of the daggers she’s been honing for an attack on the rug, the bed, or the living room sofa.

Do you recall me mentioning how a rhino’s horn is made of the same stuff as a fingernail? The thought occurs to me that I could save my parings, grind them up, and sell them to desperate Asian businessmen as an aprhodesiac. Perhaps I can put this empty IBC bottle to use? I could also peddle my nails as a cure for depression. I take Prozac and I am sure the garbage heaps growing out of my digits hold rich deposits. The only trouble is that the Prozac interferes with the virility enhancement.

Hey wait! Save the rhinos! Feed them prozac and let it be known! The zoos and game parks of the world can put up signs telling poachers that the horn will decrease sex drive. What a great thought! I have saved a species. Thanks Jaded Ju for the inspiration.