The Weather Worm

Posted on January 11, 2005 in Humor?

My fellow Californians, I think I must come right out and say it: I believe that the freakish weather we’ve been getting these past few years may be due, in part, to me. It’s the Seattle bloggers I’ve come to know. They find me, link me. People from Seattle click on the links believing that I must be another Seattle citizen. And the result is that I have become a channel for Seattle’s weather.

Look at any national weather map. The Alaska storms that usually cross Vancouver Island and hit Starbuck’s Central are doing an end run. They skip Seattle, bypass Orygone, and then come right down our gullets here in the Land of Sunshine.

I’ve done numerological calculations, checked my horoscope, and performed traceroutes. It’s me. Packet after packet of clouds buzz straight at me. They’re following the submarine routers in the Pacific, clicking through the relays, and ending up at Twelve O’clock High over my condo roof. There’s no mistaking the signs. The other day, I shaved my neck and trimmed my beard. There was a mark that I’d never seen before. It looked like an aplodontia pawprint, headed south. If the mountain beavers have bivouaced in Baja, then it must mean that the approach route for Pacific storms has gone South. By my calculations, the aplodontia should be swimming with the gray whales in Scammon’s Lagoon.

I suppose I could do the West Coast a favor and restore the balance by moving up to Seattle. But would the rain necessarily follow me? Seven years ago, I attended my sister-in-law’s wedding. It was July. It rained. The climate remained stable. It wasn’t until I got my cable modem hookup that the climate started to change. Since the weather is now being controlled out of Redmond, I am certain that it will make no difference if I move there. They’ll just find some other Southern Californian to infect with their insidious weather worm.

Our only hope is for a new operating system or a Windows patch. Like Bill Gates is going to let that happen.

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You wonder why I bothered to write this? Well, I have a reputation to live up to. Check this link. Look under OC Bizzare. There I am. There with the paranormalists and the skeptics. They have a very ecletic version of what constitutes “bizarre”.

I feel like Jack Anderson, the great Washington Post muckraker. For years, his Washington Merry-Go-Round was considered to be a joke. The publisher put him on the comics page. Then Watergate hit and people discovered that Anderson was on to something. The editors kowtowed to him and invited him to have his column on the opinion page. “Leave it there!” Anderson cried. “More people will read it!”