The Voice in My Head

Posted on March 16, 2005 in Anxiety Encounters Mania

The inhabitant or soul of the universe is never seen; its voice alone is heard. All we know is that it has a gentle voice, like a woman, a voice so fine and gentle that even children cannot be afraid. And what it says is: Sila ersinarsinivdluge, “Be not afraid of the universe.” – Najaqneq the Eskimo, as told to Knud Rasmussen

Those who have received email from me have seen the phrase above quoted in my signature. For those of us who suffer from anxiety and mood swings, we often lose touch with our surroundings, becoming possessed by extreme fear. I tend towards histrionics when I am very afraid: I get angry to push threatening people away. Sometimes my fear is warranted and sometimes it is not. But allowing myself to be totally controlled by the fear is debilitating. It makes me less able to stick up for myself when I am being wronged and more likely to misread situations.

Last night I attended a bipolar support group in Orange for the first time. As I sat at the table with the ten or so others, a fierce terror overwhelmed me. I wrote the following in my daily journal:

I walked into a roomful of strangers last night in Orange – felt my eyes burn – felt fear – all those faces became masks – who was behind each mask? – friend or foe? – the fear bubbled and rose like a column of steam through my head, ending where the nerves ended around the crown … a bad day — and at 4:44 this morning, the same thing – a fight with the air, fisticuffs and dread – oh help me God.

And while I felt the pain boiling up, I realized that standing next to my scalded nerves, was another presence. I call it pure thought. That slender, calm extension of the Universe bade me look at the faces of the people around me. “Who here is threatening you?” I looked at the surliest of the lot. He leaned back in his chair and stared back, not offensively but curiously. (It turned out that he had PTSD from a recent attack and was nervous of strangers.) I knew he meant me no harm. I checked the other faces, which were incredulous and quizzical, but still not threatening. “These people are all like you. They suffer from a mood disorder,” the other voice said to me. So instead of fleeing, I stayed. I even made contact with the surly looking fellow and walked with him out to the parking lot. We connected. Maybe there’s a friendship there.

Today, my therapist told me that he was proud of me. While the terror blazed around my skull, I had listened to the sane voice that said “Sit through this even if you don’t feel like it. These people are not going to harm you.” I allowed reason to prevail over the fear. After speaking with my psychiatrist, we adjusted my dosages. In a few days, I should see the anxiety dissipate.

Even in my worst moments, I have never been violent or threatened violence towards any other human being. (There have been times when I have been misinterpreted.) What kept me from putting myself out like this? That voice of reason that does not allow my emotions to run completely away, no matter how intense the anger.

I believe that voice is Sila, the voice of the Universe reaching through my genes and my biology. Sila says “Do not be afraid of the Universe”. And last night, I heard that voice, I listened to that voice, and it made all the difference.

Sanity always exists inside of us. Honor it.

Sila ersinarsinivdluge