A Smiling Face Isn’t All I Can Give

Posted on March 22, 2005 in Disappointment

Warning: This blog may be too personal for some.

I find myself wondering if I am not better off being isolated than trying to go out in the world. As medical problems have mounted (the latest is surgery to remove a probably benign lump in my neck), I’ve found myself draining the energy of my immediate support group. They’ve been good to me and I am grateful that some have even taken the time to call me to see how I am doing in my hour of need. But, in general, I have a hard time forming friendships, even casual ones.

When I speak of my loneliness to some, I feel I receive mixed messages. It’s either my fault, expectations that are too high, or people are no damned good. I am told that people like other people for sincerity or honesty. People tell me that I am sincere and honest. But the same people don’t have time for me.

There’s a phrase for this: double-bind. Being tied twice over. They tell me that I meet the criteria. Yet they don’t spend time with me.

To tell the truth, I think it is because I am as open about sadness as I am about happiness. I think that what people really want is a smiling face, all the time. They don’t want a person who thinks through the big issues, who accepts that there are issues which are irresolvable and can’t be dismissed with glibness.

I, unfortunately, feel that to smile when I am feeling sad undermines my integrity. I have never asked this of others, yet the world thinks that this kind, sincere, and honest guy shouldn’t have the same right.

For all they say about assertiveness, people hate those who are.

But I give up so much more if I am not so.