The Ideal Spouse and Bipolar Disorder

Posted on April 19, 2005 in Caretakers Disappointment Partnership

There’s a conversation going on at feministe about the ideal husband and, as you might expect, it’s getting a lot of commentary. I’ve seen a few people coming this way to see just what kind of oaf I am after I admitted that I flunked off Lauren’s list because I have had problems controlling my spending, didn’t have a steady job, or a clear goal like becoming a doctor or a lawyer. There’s much merit in the list itself, but I have to say that I am turned off by some of the comments.

It might help the gene pool if these women did not marry bipolar men. Or maybe not. One commentator says “steadily employed I take to mean NOT a pot-smoking good-for-nothing who will spend money you earn on aforementioned star wars regalia etc.” I scratch my temples and think “This woman better not marry someone like me or any bipolar.”

This kind of abusive descriptive language would certainly crush the man and possibly prevent him from seeking the help he needs to admit to and seek treatment for his condition. Last night, for example, I went to a lecture about the problem of relapse in bipolar disorder. Most of it had to do with people either not taking their meds or abusing alcohol. One mother, who was very angry, wanted to know how she could force her son to take his meds. She couldn’t. And with an adversarial attitude like that, I thought, she wasn’t going to persuade him. When Mother (or Father) the Enemy is pushing pills down your throat, you’re going to resist.

Fortunate are my friends — both men and women — who have spouses who have the courage to try to understand the disease and to remember that the person they love remains in that shaking body. My friends are not “dependable” people.

Another commentator (janet) said:

if you took this survey seriously, the logical outcome would be that there would be a very small number of marriageable people of each sex, and everybody else would have to remain unpartnered.

Then again, there’s always a gap between what people say they want and what they actually do want, and often an even bigger gap between what people want and what they end up with.

Thank the Universe for its janets who see the puerile shallowness of this listmaking! I remember when I make the list that I ultimately used to choose Lynn: I simply wanted a kind person. And that’s what I got.

I am just glad that my wife seems to love me unconditionally and works with me to overcome my deficiencies. I wouldn’t fit any of wish lists, but then I am happy with the woman I have and I am striving to be the best human being that I can.

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Additional comment (7 December 2017): I have given better thought to how I chose Lynn. The principles I followed went like this: Kindness/compassion/empathy, intelligence, looks. Yes, I admit that I like a nice face but that isn’t the principle reason for choosing someone. It is far more important that a life partner be kind and worth the conversation.

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While I am thinking of it, let me comment on Tea Leoni’s performance in the film Spanglish. It was a brilliant and insightful glance of a woman going through extreme mania. And yet I was disappointed that nowhere in the film was this acknowledged. In the DVD bonus features, director James Brooks says that Deborah Clasky is “a woman going through an early midlife crisis” or “neurotic”. Yet anyone who knows the disorder would immediately recognize the impulsiveness, the obsession, the irritability, the promiscuity, and the fast-talking as certain symptoms — enough for a diagnosis.

Why not acknowledge her illness? It makes it easier to be mean to her.