Lessons from the Playground

Posted on May 21, 2005 in Compassion Hope and Joy

My best teacher in the ways of kindness has been myself. Some of you know what I have suffered in this life by reading the articles classed here under Memory. Some of you have received my emails. I have often found the world unkind, too praising of the superficial, insincere, and heartless. There are many thickheads who just won’t get that the things people say to each other can and do hurt, that it is not unreasonable for a person under attack to stand her ground and say “Hold on a second here. I feel my point of view is valid.” And it is not unreasonable to feel hurt.

The lessons I have learned from the so-called “School of Hard Knocks” (it has often been for me the Playground of Sluggings with a Baseball Bat) when it comes to helping a person in distress are these:

• Listen to them closely. Understand them before you give advice.
• Acknowledge the pain, especially if you can do nothing else.
• Don’t tell anyone that their pain isn’t real. Don’t adopt a tone of blaming them for their hurt feelings.
• Encourage the person not to give up.
• Tell the person what is good about them.
• If the person is embarassed in a group setting, talk to them confidentially afterwards.
• If you have nothing to offer them except for the slogans you have heard, either find another way to help them or don’t say anything at all.
• Give hugs to the people who don’t get enough. Hands on the shoulder and pats on the back given in silence help.

Unfortunately, you won’t receive much recognition from people for being kind. You will often see people who have been mean to you getting glorified. You will not receive enough hugs or other physical affirmations of your being. They will pelt you with slogans that they have learned in 12 Step groups and elsewhere. They will add to your embarassment and give you a laundry list of what is wrong with you. They will give you advice that isn’t relevant because they haven’t been listening to you and when you try to set them straight, they will turn hostile and defensive.

I understand your hurt because I have been hurt like this. There are things that just have to be cried about. So many people just don’t get that the slap-in-the-face method of helping people along crushes rather than cures. We need kind people now. Be one. Please.

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As I finish this, Boadicea comes and rubs against my leg. She chirrups quietly, not begging for food. She then crouches near me, guarding me from the demons of unquiet.