Hypomania

Posted on July 26, 2005 in Mania Tutoring

I was high energy. My student was low energy. When I say high energy, think of repeated charges of lightning through my arms and limbs. On a low level. If it had been a high level, I’d have commited myself. This was a lesser expression of the Demon, a hypomania. I curbed it as best I could, didn’t kiss his girlfriend when she came by to drop off his homework, and didn’t fantasize about her afterwards, though she was pretty. I was in control, mostly.

Living with mania requires a sense of mercy. Mercy for the other people around you who might be electrified or shocked by your behavior. Mercy for yourself. You remain a human being. You do things which have nothing to do with the disease.

It is bad enough when outsiders to the world of manic-depression — or other mental illnesses — try to deny sufferers the essential rights of dignity and a voice for themselves. It is worse when one of our own does that to another. The worst stigma we experience comes from those we trust. For this reason, I have worked out directives with Lynn should I ever be hospitalized, mostly pertaining to who can and who cannot contact me on the ward. I shall choose my own doorkeeper and it shall be Lynn.

Yes, I have seen the worst happening recently, one bipolar deciding what is best for another. I want my wife — who is educated from the outside — to be the one who works with me to decide who I shall see and not see. Unlike many people, Lynn listens. She will not bar anyone or persuade me to bar anyone against my judgement. She will not take advantage of my mania.

Control freaks bother me. And I have been one, often as a pyrrhic defense against my own mood excesses. So I tend to err on the side of more power given to the individual rather than less. So as it is in my life so it is in my tutoring.

Today, my student looked tired, so we stopped the exercises early and read a fun book together. I had a lesson plan, but I shoved many things until the next time. What good is teaching if the student cannot absorb the lessons?

I’m all over the place as I write this. Yet amid all these words, there is a center. Can you see it?

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Just now, Lynn says good night to me. I wait for a minute, not quite taking in her parting words. Then I say “Good night” in return.

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While looking for ESL sites, I found this little gem which should keep you amused for all of ten minutes unless you have OCD.