The Seven Deadly Symptoms

Posted on February 16, 2006 in Agnosticism Bipolar Disorder Humor? Justice Psychosis

Pandemonium, the Inferno: The patient is 48 years of age, unemployed, and living in a condominium he shares with his wife of 18 years. He came to our attention when he started a weblog and occasionally flamed other bloggers. We observed his behavior for some months and took reports of earlier behavior as described by those who knew and hated him. Our report is as follows:

Pride: First, the subject keeps a weblog. Does this not suggest self-absorption? Second, he enters states of mind where he believes himself an angel or an enforcer of the Divine Will with absolutely no evidence to support his conviction. Third, he sometimes believes that he can be all things to all people though there may be no signs of him actually liking himself.

Envy: The subject has been heard to declare that he wishes he did not suffer from mood swings. He has plainly stated that he wishes he was more like other people. He has also be heard to gripe about how good people like himself do not receive their due.

Gluttony: Sometimes eats food when distressed. Craves carbohydrates due to medication. Unknown amount of water weight. Complains of pain in the joints.

Lust: We were unable to see any instances of this sin due to the subject’s taking medications that suppress sexual urges. A check of the records indicate that he had three or four premarital congresses and that he had explored homosexuality (which, alas, did not suit his tastes). If unmedicated, we are certain he’d be more active in this area.

Wrath: His sin of choice. He is angry at George W. Bush, his parents, his brother, and stupid people in general. He has been known to rise up to challenge others who he feels have transgressed against his rights (another manifestation of his pride). Bitterness about how his life has gone often forms the substance of his blogs and private communications to the Divine whose existence he refuses to acknowledge or disavow. He is not, however, violent. His large stature, however, intimidates people and we have intercepted several panicked messages from those facing him indicating their fear of him.

Greed: Sometimes he wastes his money buying nothings in the checkout line. Credit card bills are high, but he and his wife have been paying them down. Or rather, his wife has been paying them down. Though he has dreams of great fortunes, he does not act on them because of an instinctual contempt for wealth. He would be happy with a cabin in the woods.

Sloth: Has been known to spend the day hiding in his bed, claiming to be unable to move, exercise, or rise to eat. (Does not soil bed linens, however.) Owns $35,000 worth of porcelain crowns and root canals due to his failure to brush his teeth. Actively avoided brushing because he wanted better teeth. Forgets to put away his dishes, take out trash, etc. Packrat.

Conclusion: The Company intends to present a strong claim for this man’s soul at the Last Judgement. His sin profile suits us and he should be miserable in an tormented afterlife where George W. Bush, Pat Robertson, Pope Benedict, and Jerry Falwell will shine from above and laugh about their being right after all. We need only deny the existence of his illness to make his torment complete. In the meantime, we have engaged the services of Celestial double-agents to increase the pressure on him. We are concerned, however, about his use of medications and cognitive therapy. Self-forgiveness could greatly undermine our efforts to capture him.

Comment by Celestial Overseer: Soul suffers from bipolar disorder. Urge immediate dissolution of belief in afterlife for his own safety. The idea of battle for his soul upsets him and undermines his recovery.