The Cloud of Unfeeling

Posted on April 4, 2006 in Depression

The large mass of cotton as heavy as iron has partly lifted. I’m not as entangled in its skeins as I have been for the last two days. I can check a higher box on my mood chart tonight, maybe a lighter shade of blue or even in the green. Blue stands for Numb and green for Living Again.

At three am, I woke up and realized that the lobes of my brain breathed clean air. I’d been fighting to feel: where was the joy of the incision that I felt when I set myself to a task. I’d missed the electrocution of words that came from meaningful reading. In the dark, I noted the blankets, the bookshelves in night’s quarter life. My knee didn’t ache, so there was nothing to distract me from all the other senses. I rose and enjoyed a cup of water, so cool I could taste each atom.

The prophesized rain did not fall until noon, after I wrote my morning journal.